Benjamin

Dear Diary,

Benjamin Bergon Mullins was born at 2:07 PM on Saturday and weighed 8 lbs 8ozs and was 19 inches long.  The funny part is that Jennifer didn't have to push him out.  I said a joke and the laughing made Benjamin "fall out."  The doctor was telling her to stop laughing because he couldn't get his scrubs and gloves on fast enough.  That made things funnier, which, of course made Jennifer laugh more.

Any ways, we're doing pretty good.  My sleeping schedule has been destroyed with the new kiddo, but it's fun to have him around.  Here's a link to some pictures of him.


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Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

It's Good Friday, the stock market is closed and I'm bored at 7:12 AM.  Not a good sign.  I don't feel like starting a project because I'll be off of work all next week.  Jennifer is having our baby tomorrow...yikes.  I know, Diary, it kind of gives me the nervous poops thinking about it.

Hopefully the new kiddo will look like our other kids.  They turned out pretty good, if I may say so.


Below is a link to today's Friday Fun.  I'll be reading through this blog looking at the funny photos.

The Fail Blog

P.S. Assuming I get a cell phone signal in the hospital, I'll update my twitter account with the latest happenings of the delivery tomorrow.
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"CCL" Offers TMI

Dear Diary,

"CCL"[?] offered me too much information ("TMI") this morning.

Someone has placed a ton of Easter eggs around our office and "CCL" thought it was fun.  Seeing the eggs reminds her of a story and she felt compelled to whisper it to me.

Long story short, her ex-husband left a trail of Easter eggs to their bedroom, and, yadda yadda yadda...he was only wearing a bow.

Yikes!!!  Time out, TMI "CCL."  TMI.  I will forever be scarred by this.
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Started My Cycle Yesterday

Dear Diary,

Based on yesterday's entry, it appears that I have started my cycle this month because that was a hormonal entry.  After sipping on some wine coolers and a strawberry daiquiri (with whip cream) I came to my senses.

"I don't feel like writing an entry today?"  What's that about?  Grow some nads man.  So here's what I'm going to do.

[Turns on iPod]

I'm going to sing a modified version of Pennywise's Bro Hymn.  Actual lyrics are here for comparison.

Song: Bro Bear Hymn
Artist: Pennywise Mattrix

"To all the [Bear Stearns Employees] present past and beyond
Even though they weren't with us too long
Your [company] is [not] the most precious thing that we could lose
While you were here [you took us out to dinner]

blah blah blah

Just remember whose side it is that you [were] on
You [had] friends with you 'til the end [but then you got margin called]
If you're ever in a tough situation we'll be there with no [some] hesitation

Brotherhood's our rule that cannot bend
When you're feeling too close to the bottom
[it's because you are at the bottom]

[JP Morgan] will pick you up again we can conquer anything together
All of us are bonded forever if you die I die that's [because we're all subprime]."

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Intra Entry: No Longer a Fan

Dear Diary,

I've been a Jim Cramer fan for a while, but after this I'm through with him.  I can no longer endorse Cramer.  It also goes to show that some of these "analysts" are not smarter than us.

As Warren Buffett has said before (paraphrased): "Beware the Helper."


Can't see the video?  Click here.

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Bear Stearns

Dear Diary,

I don't feel like writing an entry today.  I'm too shocked and stunned from Bear Stearns' downfall.

I'll be here all day.

P.S. We're all doomed!
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Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Happy Friday!  We made it through another week.  I'm feeling pretty crappy today because of a sore throat and so I went online to find some inspiration.  I found some techno music to get me going.

Also, my sore throat compares nothing to this video.  Suddenly I feel like I can't complain about an uncomfortable, sore throat.  This DJ has no arms!  I'm rockin' the glow sticks at my desk as I type.



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Watch Out Little Guy

Dear Diary,

Months ago I showed you pictures of "QC Ted's" neighbor's cubicle decorations.  It's been a while, but I recently noticed them again and I found some disturbing images.  The winking cup is gone and I think the lion is making a move for the little guy.

Look at the before photo.  The lion appears to be farther away compared to today's photo.

[Mattrix yelling at the photo]

Watch out little guy!  He's right behind you.

Oh man, this is intense.  My Little Pony better watch out.  I think she's gonna be the next to go.

Stay tuned...
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Quit Bugging Me

Dear Diary,

Mid-February we received an e-mail instructing all employees that we have to attend mandatory Bank Secrecy Act training on a quarterly basis.  The e-mail was sent February 11th and stated that we had until March 7th to complete the training.

My boss had her secretary send the e-mail to us and also instructing us to please notify her which class we will be signing up for.  For today's entry I would like to re-live the timeline with you.  Watch what the Secretary does and how I finally can't take it anymore.

Date: February 12th, 7:11 AM
From: Boss
"Please register for and complete one of the sessions.  It is mandatory.  Thanks."

Date: February 12th, 4:30 PM
From: Secretary
"Pls don't forget to give me your dates for this Mandatory BSA Training.  Thanks!"

Date: February 13th, 11:08 AM
From: Secretary
"Just a friendly Reminder Per [Boss]..
If you want me to register you, pls give me your emp. # and the date you prefer.
Thx."

At this point I had it with her e-mails hounding me.  I have until March 7th and she wants me to sign up hours after I get the e-mail from Corporate Compliance.  I was not going to have it any more.  I'm trying to get our 10-K table done and other year-end reports...here's my response.

Date: February 13th, 11:11 AM
From: Mattrix
"You're sending lots of reminders.  Were we supposed to pick a date already?  Because we have until March 7th to get this done right?

I'm too busy to pick a date right now, but I'll let you know when I do."

I was going for the shut-up and leave me alone e-mail, but in a professional manner as best I could at the time.  Also, I went ahead and signed up right after I sent my e-mail, but I did not tell her about it for a few days.  I wanted her to sweat over it for a few days.
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Hey! Ho! Let's go!

Dear Diary,

The stock market (and my personal portfolio) is doing really good today.  This is a nice rally considering the last few days.  I'm a team player and so I'll be rooting for the stock market to do well today.

I've got my motivational music on: The Ramones' Blitzkrieg Bop.  Hey!  Ho!  Let's go!

In other interesting "market news," the price of oil per barrell continues to reach all-time highs.  I agree that we will see $4/gallon at the pump this summer.  That begs the question, where is all the oil money going?  I found an article that answers the question.  The pictures put things in perspective for me.
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Oatmeal on Your Face

Dear Diary,

"Cryor" [?] came in to my office to chat about something and I noticed that she was staring at my face kind of intensely.  After a few minutes of staring and talking she finally pointed and said, "You have oatmeal under your nose."  I rubbed my nose and caught something on my finger.

To my horror, it was not oatmeal...

[CLICK x1][?]

Embarrassing Moment Counter Total: 5


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Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Mrs. Mattrix got me an awesome gift for my birthday yesterday.  A Nintendo Wii!  I'm back Nintendo and I have a lot of catching up to do.

I connected my Wii to the Internet and found that I can download some of the classic Nintendo games from the 80's.  Below is a link to one of my all-time favorite games.  Ice Hockey.  Enjoy the video...it gave me goose bumps.

Nintendo's Ice Hockey, circa 1988
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Special Day

Dear Diary,

It's a special day for us today.  By coincidence today is my 200th entry since reviving you from the bowels of my desk drawer.  It also happens to be my birthday today.  I'm turning 31 and I am for real in my thirties now.  At 30, I felt like an older 29, but at 31 I have to admit that I'm a thirty-something.

When did we all become grown-ups?  I recently added the Boomerang channel to my TV lineup and found shows that I used to watch as a kid. Shows like: 1) The Herculoids, 2) He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, 3) Snorks, 4) Smurfs, 5) Voltron, 6) Pac-man, 7) Pee-wee's Playhouse, 8)Thundercats, 9) Scooby-Doo, 10) Superfriends, etc.

I miss those shows and being a kid sometimes.  In retrospect, time went by fast and now I have four kids and they are watching the shows that I grew up loving.

[Holding up a Coffee Mug]

Here's to being a kid and not worrying about life except for what will Pee-wee's Word of the Day be.  If you'd like to send me a birthday cheer and share what your favorite kid TV show was click below and give me a call.


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Accounting, continued

Dear Diary,

Oops, I almost forgot about you this morning.  Sorry about that.  My boss called me over to her office this morning and dumped a bunch of work on me.  On the one hand, it's nice to have her out of the office for two days, but then when she gets back the work gets piled on.

Onward with Accounting rants.  The other thing that I wanted to share with you is how indecisive Accounting departments can be.  This is probably 75 percent of the source of my anger.

Accounting wanted a table showing the dollar amount of loans that will have payment shock because they have reached their maximum negative amortization limits.  I made a table, it looks sexy, I feel confident and then I get a call saying, "No, that's not exactly what we want."  Fast forwarding three weeks, I have sent over ten different tables and do you know which one they finally picked?  Exactly, the very first one I made.

I, hereby, place a moratorium on letting Accounting choose which tables get put into public disclosures and reports.  They never know what they want.  Shut up Diary!  I know that you are not supposed to say "never," but in this case I am right.

The world would be a much happier and Peet's free place if Accounting would stop being so stupid.  I am glad I dropped Accounting as a second major in college.  I can not believe that at one point I tried to associate myself with them.

I need to be more assertive with them.  I'll probably get shot by some Accounting Underground Movement for saying this, but accounting, especially staff accountants, are functional and robotic roles.  Whereas Finance is a skillset that actually utilizes tools and concepts like: 1) Thinking, 2) Common sense, and 3) Practical application.

Take that Accounting!  Here's your journal entry for that: 1) Debit your self-worth and 2) Credit my Peets-fueled, self-righteous ego.
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Accounting

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I shared with you how I was hating my job because of a 10-K table that I helped to produce on behalf of our Accounting department.  I took some notes about why Accounting sucks.

1) Using the word "ASAP."  I have never heard or seen anyone use ASAP more frequently than people from accounting departments.  Bankrupt [...BEEP...] had two people that were notorious for using ASAP in every one of their e-mails.  In fact, they used it so much that it is forever tainted in my mind.  "ASAP" means nothing to me anymore.

What infuriates me even more is when they try to spin "ASAP" other ways.  For example, "if I could have the report sooner than later."  Listen people!  You'll get the report as soon as it is done.  I'm a big boy, I understand what a 10-K is and I understand what the SEC can do to us if we don't file on time.

2) E-mail Priority.  Accounting folks, for some reason, love, love, lo-o-o-ove to set their e-mail priority levels to the highest setting possible.  So during the month of February my e-mail inbox was littered with red exclamation marks (!).

Listen bean counters.  I get it.  I know you have to close the books and I know you need to get a report to management, but you don't need to set my inbox on fire with the red exclamation marks.  I've received much more important e-mails from Senior Managers trying to sell billions of dollars worth of mortgage bonds with no "ASAP" or exclamation marks.  But yet when "T.Lam" needs to reconcile $20 of interest I get exclamation marks followed with "Call me ASAP!"

3) Excel.  During the making of my 10-K table I was working closely with [...BEEP's...] Vice President of Loan and Investor Accounting.  During the month we sent back and forth I don't know how many different Excel files.  At one point I told the VP to unhide one of my worksheets so that I would not have to resend a file.

Silence.  I asked, "Did you find it?"  She responded, "Not yet.  How do you unhide a sheet?" ... [THUD!].  I fell out of my chair.

How on earth can the VP of Accounting not know how to unhide an Excel sheet?  I get it, Diary, that you don't know how, but put this into context.

People like me and folks in Accounting work pretty much with nothing but Excel.  In my opinion, at bare minimum she should know how to hide/unhide a worksheet.  Now, because she can't figure it out, I am even more furious because I have to teach someone how to use Excel.  Don't come at me with your "ASAPs" and exclamation marks if you can't even unhide a freakin' worksheet!

I've got more Diary, but I need to stop I'm getting agitated again.  Besides, I've practically written two pages worth of an entry this morning.  You must be exhausted.  We'll continue this tomorrow.
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Let's be Friends Again

Dear Diary,

Thanks for meeting me here.  I know it must be hard for you to see me after the hurtful things I said to you, but I'm glad you came.  So, it's March 3rd and February is gone.  I had a really crappy month at [...BEEP...] and I'd like to explain myself to you.

The short of it is that I threw you across the room and yelled at you because I was trying to hit somebody else.  I was not trying to hurt you.  I could never hurt you, Diary.  It turns out, though, that I can use you to hurt somebody else.

"Firestarter", my boss, and Accounting all got on my nerves and I reached a breaking point.  You happened to be the closet object to my hand and so I threw you.  It all stemmed from us filing our Annual Report with the SEC.  I experienced so much grief and turmoil trying to put this table together (click "Open" and then go to page 42), that I was seriously doubting my job here.  At one point I was begging for a recruiter (or someone) to call and offer me a job elsewhere.

As you can see, I was under a lot of stress and was not a very kind owner to you.  On the flip side, I think you owe me an apology too.  No matter what I do or say you should never run away from me.  You are a diary and contain some very sensitive material.  I would die if this stuff got leaked out on to the Internet.  No matter what, you should stay by my side.  So next time we have a spat, please don't run away with another magazine.  By the way, that Teen People you ran away with.  She was printed barely 18 weeks ago.  You need to be careful with that kind of stuff.  That's close to statutory reading.

I'm willing to call things even and move on with our lives.  I've been keeping notes about my dealings with folks from [...BEEP...] during February and I'd like to share them with you.  Let's be friends again, okay?

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