What am I Doing?

Friday, August 31, 2007

Can you Feel the "Pesa-pain?"

Dear Diary,

Today’s entry is a shout out to a special lady.  Her name is Kathryn.  She is an 11th Floor-ee and she is one of the original reasons I started writing to you.

Kathryn was the person that had to listen to Heidi the "CFO" talk about everything; because they were cubicle neighbors.  Today is her last day at bankrupt […BEEP…].  

Kathryn (a.k.a. "Pesa-pain") was and is a very nice lady.  I would like to wish her and her husband, John, well as she moves on to her new job where she will dish out more of the "Pesa-pain."

Don’t forget the good times we had on the 11th Floor-ee Kathryn.  Oh, and the 11th Floor-ees and I are sorry for all those times we threw footballs and they accidentally hit you or your desk.  Our bad.

To help you remember the good ol' days, I am wearing my happy shoes at work today.  Use that thought (and this picture) to remind you of the fun that we had on the 11th Floor.  Consider it a lighthouse that will guide you towards fun.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

dd2go: Say Cheese

Dear Diary (to go), is that thing smiling at us?

Intra Entry: Horoscope

Dear Diary,
I rarely read horoscopes, but I stumbled across mine for today.  It says: "It's all about solving puzzles and riddles today -- your wits are sharper than ever."
Does that mean I can skip out on all my work today and play games online?  If my wits are sharper than ever I think I should fully utilize them before they go away.

Floor Mom

Dear Diary,

Here's a quick and easy test to figure out if your company has a "Floor Mom."  Go into the kitchen on your floor and look for signs about kitchen etiquette.  Something along the lines of:

Example #1: Posted on the microwave.


....consider it.

Example #2: Posted on the refrigerator.

If your name is not on the item in the fridge then DO NOT TOUCH IT!

Example #3: Posted on the paper towel dispenser.

If you make a mess…CLEAN IT UP.

Example #4: Posted on the coffee maker.

If you take the last drip make a new pot.

Cri-za-zee isn’t it Diary?  Our Floor Mom went nuts with these signs.  Oh, and do not doubt that these signs are colorful, bold, underlined and have stupid clipart stick figures on them.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Not so Amazing Hand Shake

Dear Diary,

I can't believe I forgot to mention this on Monday.  It's not very often that I get to meet a celebrity, but I got to meet one last Sunday.

On Thursday, I meet a really cool guy named Luke.  I gave him a wimpy, loose gripped handshake and it was bothering me all weekend.  I thought for sure he was going to always remember me as the "Limp Shaker."  I'm not though!

Fortunately, I ran into him on Sunday again and I walked up to him and said, "Luke, I've gotta shake your hand again.  I totally gave you a girl handshake."

He laughed and we commenced with a manly, man shake.  I tried to chest bump him too, but he must of thought I was trying to attack him because he moved away.  It's okay, though, I bounced off the wall behind him and pretended like nothing happened.

Any ways, Luke is married to Dustin-Leigh.  I got to meet and shake her hand (firmly, but not creepy-like) too.  Does anybody know who that is?  Diary, do you?

She was Miss California 2005, and, even better, was on The Amazing Race for two seasons.  This was a real treat for me because Mrs. Mattrix and I were fans of her team ("The Beauty Queens") during those two seasons of the Amazing Race.

I'm grateful that Luke was cool by allowing me to redeem myself.  I now have a handgrip strengthener so that I can prevent future "Limp Shaker" moments.  From now on, when I run into Luke I'll only be serving man-shakes.

Eww, wait.  "Man-shakes" doesn't sound good does it Diary?  How 'bout "Manly Handshakes?"

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Intra Entry: Paid my Dues

Dear Diary,

Remember the speeding ticket I got driving into work?  I paid it this afternoon, that's how slow it is at work this afternoon.

My Beef With McDonald's

Dear Diary,

I've got a beef with McDonald's Store #3188. There are a number of things wrong with this franchise, but my experience this morning pushed me over the edge.

I went in this morning to get 2 Sausage McMuffin's with egg. As the lady was giving me my change she dropped a few coins on the floor. Do you know what she did? She watched the coins drop on the ground (on her side of the counter) and walked away. "Wait a minute!?!", I thought. "Where's my money?" I counted the change she managed to correctly place in my hand, and only $0.15 fell on the ground. I'm not going to create a public fuss over $0.15, but that got me thinking about what else is wrong with this McDonald's store.

My Beef With Store #3188:
1) They don't give you all your money back.
2) The manager has a nasty goiter on his neck, which I'm pretty sure winked at me once.
3) They don't have napkin dispensers. They hand you two napkins when you pick up your food. Napkin natzis. Do they have no clue they're serving greasy food?
4) They have annoying signs posted all over the store. For example:

Annoying Signs:
1) "The EVM price is the MINIMUM price that you must pay. We will substitute a larger drink for you, but you must pay the higher price. NO OTHER SUBSTITUTIONS ALLOWED!"

2) "We DO NOT accept cups from outside the restaurant for refills."

3) "Refills are for CURRENT paying customers that have made a purchase on the SAME DAY of their food purchase."

When a restaurant does this, it makes me want to break their rules all day long. The fact that they would take time to print and post these signs screams at me, "Take advantage of me and I'll freak out on you." I totally want to see this happen.

Will I boycott this McDonald's by not going there anymore? Absolutely not. This is a gold mine of lunch-time entertainment. These employees are really strung up on a tight leash. It's comical that they would go to these great lengths to stop a very small percentage of their customers that actually try to rip off McDonald's by not buying a drink. Or by trying to be tricky with their Extra Value Meal substitution gimmicks.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Intra Entry: Chariots of Fire

Dear Diary,

Today I'm listening to Billboard's Top 100 of 1982.

Chariots of Fire started playing and I was imagining myself typing in slow motion.  Then, when my database query finished, jumping up and down (still in slow motion) claiming victory over my reports.

It gave me goose bumps.  I think it would make a great movie like the original.

Death by Forms

Dear Diary,

I.T. has struck again.  And now it's just getting stupid.  I.T. is so lucky that I have no idea where they are.  I fear for their safety the day I come back from lunch with a Peet's in hand.

I'm a PowerPoint guy.  I like to make slides using pictures and/or images to help visualize the message I'm presenting.  One of the tools I use to help me do that is Paint.  That's right Diary.  The very simple Paint program (found in Start --> Programs --> Accessories).  Now explain to me why would any company disable this program?  It barely does anything.  I've grown to like it though and if I want to use I think I should be able to.

I called the "Service Desk" -- that's [...BEEP's...] name for Help Desk -- and I got just the opposite.  No service.  They said, "Paint is not an official company program and does not add value." Service Desk added, "Additionally, we minimize the use of certain programs for security reasons."

virusFor security reasons?  What can Paint do besides take up hard disk space?  Are they worried that I am going to draw a picture of a virus and upload it to the network?  That's ri-don-cu-lous.

I did not want to have to go there, but I dropped a few names and how these graphs/images would be edited in Paint for use in PowerPoint slides for Senior Management.

Service Desk: Wow, that does sound important.  Maybe you should have access to the program.
Mattrix: Exactly.  I'm glad you understand now.
Service Desk: I do.  We'll get that installed for you right away...

Victory!  Eat that Service Desk.

[I almost hung up the phone when...]

Service Desk: Right after you fill out some forms and get your manager's signature.
Mattrix: Ughh... [Drops to one knee]... death by forms.

Curse you Service Desk!!!  I'll get you and your World of Warcraft too!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Here are some comic strips that entertained me. Happy Friday!






Slow Day Today

Dear Diary,
I think it is going to be a slow day at work today.  It's only 8:00am and I just counted 54 palm trees outside my office window.  I'll definitely be needing a few more cups of coffee.
I'm probably stalling too.  I'm going to be reading FASB 15: "Accounting by Debtors and Creditors for Troubled Debt Restructurings" in a few minutes.  Sleepy time.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Intra Entry: Firestarter Put Out

Dear Diary,
I could not have asked for better timing.  I was in a meeting with Firestarter and our boss and Firestarter tried to be an alarmist and our boss totally put her in her place.
Firestarter tried to backpedal away and say, "Oh, ya, you're right.  I didn't mean it like that."  Our boss did not let up though and said, "No, really, why don't you work on that on your own as a personal crusade. I want you to keep me up to date about it."
Terrific!  Because she opened her mouth now she has to make up and track a bunch of reports she probably didn't intend to.  Glorious moment for me.

Personnel Change Request

Dear Diary,
I need to change someones nickname.  And because you're such a H.R. apologist, I know I have to fill out some stupid form you have.
[Diary hands Mattrix Form NN-19]
Personnel Change Request Form
Requested by: Mattrix
Effective Date: Immediately! (8/23/07)
Old Nickname: EMO(hio)
New Nickname: Firestarter
Reason: I've been working at [...BEEP...] for almost three months now and I believe that I have misnamed "EMO(hio)."  Based upon new evidence yesterday, I believe that she is more of a fire starter than a death-seeking "Ohio-ian."
[Signed Mattrix]
So, "EMO(hio)" came to me yesterday and said, "You reported a bunch of wrong numbers yesterday."  I was confused and asked why.  She then told me that a model that I ran miscalculated the payment change dates for a bunch of our Option ARM loans.  The Board and Senior Management are very interested in these loans because they are concerned about delinquencies.
I told her to cool her jets and to look a little closer before we raise our "bad data flag."  She went off did a bunch of research all day and came back and said, "Yep.  We need to tell [our boss] that she has wrong numbers."  She continued, "And if we don't tell her soon, she'll be mad if she's blind-sided later when you re-run the reports."
Okay, at this point I have had enough.  Not only is she trying to start a fire and be the one that gets the glory of spotting it, but now she is trying to put some (if not all) the onus on me.  Instantly, as she continues to speak her sentences, which I understood turned into "blah, blah, blah" because I was all done listening.  I told her I would look at the model again and let her know if I get the same "bad data" results.
Remember my other post a while ago?  She is cancer and I believe it.
What's even funnier to me is that this is her model we're talking about and she is the one that showed me how to run it for quarter-end.  It reminds me of the saying, "If you point your finger at someone, remember there are 3 more pointing at you."
Boom! Goes the dynamite.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Accredited Home Lenders

Dear Diary,

This post that I read this morning from the Wall Street Journal is great.  Accredited speaking about it's $1 billion loan sale, and it's attempts to save itself from margin calls.

Accredited: "...[I]f the market improves to a rational level, our intention is to repurchase these quality loans by mid-November."

The WSJ then compares this quote to something John Maynard Keyes said, "The market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent."

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Intra Entry: Happy Feet

I was laughing at first, but now I feel bad.
Looking out of my window, I saw a landscaper doing a "funny dance."  But then I realized he was being attacked by a swarm of bees.

Who do They Think They are?

Dear Diary,
I.T. folks.  They think they're so tricky.  The I.T. department here at [...BEEP...] has cut my access to www.blogger.com.
I guess I'm alright with that, but I think it's stupid.  Why?  Well, for one I'm writing to you using my GMail Internet e-mail account.  Usually companies, when they filter Internet sites, cut off access to video sharing and e-mail sites right?  Right.  Not [...BEEP...].  We can access any Internet e-mail account that we want, but if I want to write a letter and then POST it to a blog instead of E-MAILING it, then sound the alarm.  We should not let him do that.
I also think it's stupid (and hypocritical) because do you know what happens when you visit an Internet site your not supposed to visit?  Normally, you get a message of some sort saying this site has been filtered please contact the I.T. department if you need to see this site "for business purposes."  Well, the genius Star Trekkies down in the basement managed to screw this up too.
Instead of giving me some sort of message like that, they redirect me to www.disney.com.  WHAT!?!
I.T.: "I'm sorry sir, but we don't want you to write a short blog post because it's counter productive."
Mattrix: "So instead you want me to go to Disney's website and surf they're site for hours and hours?"
I.T.: "Well, no."
Mattrix: "So then why do you send me there?  Because you know there's videos and TV shows that I can watch there.  I could also browse Disneyland."
I.T.: "Uh..."
Mattrix: "And let's not forget that Disney has an on-line game called 'Disney's Toontown Online.'"
I.T.: "Uh..."
Mattrix: "Morons."

Friday, August 10, 2007

Gone Fishin'

Dear Diary,


Tonight, the Mattrix Family, will be leaving for a week-long vacation.  We're going to Mt. Hermon, which is about an hour's train ride through giant redwood trees to the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz, CA.

You're a big boy diary now, Diary.  And I have decided to leave you here at work so you can spy observe what happens at [...BEEP...] while I'm gone.  I want you to stay on my book shelf and blend in with my other books.

[Diary Mumbles Something]

What?  Don't mumble... I don't care if you don't like them.  You need to be nice to them while I'm gone.  Remember what happened last time I went on vacation?  You pushed my Excel programming book off the shelf because you thought I liked him better than you.

Lifecall-1 You know, I still haven't been able to smooth out his pages.  He was lying on the floor for 6 days, like a sad and broken old lady with her malfunctioning LifeAlert device.

"I've fallen, and I can't get up!"

Poor little guy.

Any ways, I'll post some Twitter updates when I can, and I've found a cool service that will transcribe my voice to you for me.  It doesn't always do a great job, but that's probably because I'm not speaking clearly.  It's still cool though, and there'll be a link to the voice recording too if you want to listen instead of read.

Have a good week Diary.


Thursday, August 9, 2007

It's Either a Brilliant Idea or a Disaster Waiting to Happen

Dear Diary,

I think I might have discovered a great way to pump up my value.  I turned in some reports yesterday, which were being put into a Board of Directors report package today, and, after double-checking my numbers, I realized that I mislabeled a heading.

This morning, I quickly sent an e-mail to all parties involved and noted the correction.  Embarrassed that I made the mistake, I was dreading a little backlash.

Minutes later, the e-mails started pouring in.  Instead of getting an "e-mail spanking" I got praises for a, quote, "Great catch!"  My boss even said to me, "Good catch, that almost went to the Board."

That gave me the idea that I should make small, meaningless errors in my reports and then correct myself at the 11th hour in front of everybody.  I figure it's either a brilliant idea or a disaster waiting to happen.

Currently I'm leaning towards: a disaster waiting to happen and I got lucky this time.

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Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Elevator Rush Hour Etiquette

Dear Diary,

ladiesmattrix Question.  When it's "elevator rush hour," do I have to be polite and do the whole "ladies first" bit?

This morning the elevators were running really slow.  I was standing there for about 5 minutes (no joke), and then a group of people showed up and started jockeying for position.  When the elevator finally arrived I jumped in without consideration towards gender because I thought for sure if I didn't I would be left waiting another 5 minutes.

I think in those situations I am justified for not letting the ladies go first.  Would you agree?

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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Intra Entry: Pipe Cleaning

Dear Diary,

File As: "Too Much Info"

Pipe cleaning process initiated.  Mattrix is eating oatmeal, raisins and dried apricots for lunch.

Launch sequence in 5, 4, 3 . . .



"EMO(hio)" is Cancer

Dear Diary,

On Friday, I wrote an Intra Entry that blasted "EMO(hio)" pretty hard.  I've calmed down since then, and I would like to say that I am NOT sorry.  I still think she's a tard.  She proved to me that she is going to be "the cancer" of my department.  Everything she says or talks about is slightly negative and it eats away at you slowly.

For example, the Board of Directors decided to have their meeting one week earlier this month, which means that we have two days to load data and run our reports.  Normally, we get two weeks.  During our department meeting, our boss went around the room and discussed what each person was working on for the board package.  Everybody had something to turn in, except "EMO(hio)."

Any ways, a special project was also tasked to us and my boss said, "I don't care who works on it, just get it done."  In our heads, we were all thinking "EMO(hio)" should do it because she has nothing due for the Board.  Well, I'm sure she thought of that too because she said, "Well, since the data has not been loaded yet no one can work on the Board's reports.  So, we're all free to work on this."

That's when I knew she was cancer.  Why would you do that?  I don't understand people that don't take responsibility for their job and work.

That reminds me Diary.  Have you finished transcribing those notes I gave you?  I need them.  I told "CHESTer" he would have them by noon today.  Well, then grow some arms and get going.

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Friday, August 3, 2007

Intra Entry: "EMO(hio)"

Dear Diary,

"EMO(hio)" is being a retard today.  She is a cancer and she makes me want to punch her in the face.

Listen lady!  I know SQL at least 1,000% better than you.  You don't know what you're talking about.  Shut up, and let me be the analyst.  You just sit there and keep that seat warm.

She argues about everything.  "SERRENITY NOW!!!!"


What's Your iPod Secret?

Dear Diary,

My boss paid me a visit yesterday and somehow we got on the topic of what I listen to on my iPod.  My first response to this type of question is: "I support iPod diversity.  I have a lot of different types of songs."  That way I don't get harassed about what's on "The Pod."  She then asked, "Like what?"  I rattled off lots of kid stuff, any Disney song you would want to hear, and then I slipped up.  I revealed my iPod secret.

"I also like listening to Enya," I said.  Immediately, my stomach cringed as I recall Haywood (an 11th Floor-ee) teasing me about rocking out to the "Orinoco Flow."

My stomach was not the only thing cringing.  My boss gave me a funny look and then said, "Yeah, I don't care for 'that stuff' any more."  I tried to shrug it off and said, "I support iPod diversity."

So there you have it Diary.  My iPod secret has been revealed.

Hello.  My name is Mattrix, and my iPod secret is I have 28 Enya songs.

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Thursday, August 2, 2007

dd2go: Auto Detail

Dear Diary (to go),

Is this person really in the auto detailing business?  It looks like they waxed their van with a rotary sander.  I also like that the phone number was written with a soap pen.  If that doesn't say "Trust me with your car," I don't know what would.


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How to use Your Incompetence to Achieve Your Goals

Dear Diary,

As [...BEEP...], my previous employer, continues to go through its bankruptcy proceedings, some closets have been opened, which has exposed some skeletons.  I learned something new recently and I'm bitter.

Dilbert, being the nice guy he is, has graciously offered to do a dramatic reinactment on my behalf.



Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Intra Entry: Quote

Dear Diary,

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."

--Tallulah Bankhead
US movie actress (1903 - 1968)

I'm not a girl, but I am bad.  Bad to the bone.

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Happy Two Month-aversary

Dear Diary,

Today marks the completion of our second full month at [...BEEP...].  How do you think it's been going so far?  The first month was extremely slow and boring.  All I did was explore the computer network and databases [...BEEP...] has.  Month #2 was a bit more exciting.  I was not supposed to take over "EMO(hio)'s" work until the third quarter, but I felt confident and decided to give it a shot for the second quarter.  It went well and I did not blow anything up.

Month #3 should be fun too.  I debuted a new reporting tool, the Loan Stratification Database.  Building that thing from scratch was not fun, but now that it's up and running I can run reports faster than "EMO(hio)" can smoke a cigarette.

But none of that compares, Diary, to the time I have been able to spend with you.  It seems like years ago I was cleaning out my desk out at [...BEEP...] and found you in the back of the drawer when, in fact, it has only been two months.

I'm glad I know you Diary.  You're the most bestest dead tree that has been formed into a book ever.  And I'm not just saying that, I really mean it.

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