Wanna Feel my Butt?

Dear Diary,

Most of the time, during my lunch breaks, I go for a quick two-mile run around the bay by my office.  As you would probably guess, I return to the office sweaty.  I do the best I can to cool off outside in the shade, but I'm usually still sweaty.

"QC Ted"[?] is fascinated that I go running during lunch.  He likes to say, "have a good run" when I walk by his cubicle to leave the building.  One day he asked, "What do you do to clean up after you run?"

Thinking quickly I said, "Oh it's easy.  I go into the restroom and give myself a sponge bath."  I got two responses from my comment.

The first was from "QC Ted."  The look of shock and horror on his face thinking I get naked in a restroom he uses was priceless.  My comment served it's purpose.

The second response I got was unexpected.  At the same time I was talking to "QC Ted" I noticed that "CCL"[?] heard my comment.  She swiveled around in her chair, pushed her glasses to the tip of her nose and gave me, what I thought was a look over.

I instantly felt used and abused.  I'm pretty sure she was undressing me in her mind.  Life has never been the same for me since then.  That's why I wear a burka to work now.
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Where to Begin

Dear Diary,

It has been so long I feel like I don't know where to start...

[Looks out office door]


(Click to enlarge)

Ah, yes, "Crazy Coffee Lady."  Or, as I like to call her, "CCL"[?] (pronounced See-cil).

A funny thing happened last Friday.  "Wall Knocker"[?] returned from somewhere and came into the office saying that a fire alarm was sounding off in the hallway.  No one in our office suite could hear it except for when "Wall Knocker" opened the door.

"CCL," being the older lady that she is, started to panic and would not stop talking about whether or not we needed to evacuate.  I was not going to evacuate because the alarm was not going off in our suite and there were no fire trucks outside.  I shared that with "CCL," but she was still worried.

Being the kind, gentle man that I am I decided to play some soothing music for "CCL" on my iPod. [Evil Laugh]

A long time ago I bought a sound effects CD with 100 various sound effects on it.  I also copied the CD to my iPod so that I could have access to it.  Scrolling through my iPod I found this track: "Fire Alarms & Trucks." [He he he]


I cranked up the volume on my iPod speakers and played the track..."CCL" went nuts.  She jumped up and out of her cubicle like Bugs Bunny being shot in the butt by Elmer Fudd and began running towards the door.

Now I feel horrible (for real) and chase after "CCL" to let her know that it was a joke.  Her poor 60+ year old heart almost gave out on me.  Maybe I'll lay off the sound effects for a little while.
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"CCL" Offers TMI

Dear Diary,

"CCL"[?] offered me too much information ("TMI") this morning.

Someone has placed a ton of Easter eggs around our office and "CCL" thought it was fun.  Seeing the eggs reminds her of a story and she felt compelled to whisper it to me.

Long story short, her ex-husband left a trail of Easter eggs to their bedroom, and, yadda yadda yadda...he was only wearing a bow.

Yikes!!!  Time out, TMI "CCL."  TMI.  I will forever be scarred by this.
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Intra Entry: She's Awake

Dear Diary,

She's awake now.  Total time asleep = 10 minutes.

That's a long time to fall asleep at your desk.  I was getting ready to go check for a pulse.
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Intra Entry: Ironic

Dear Diary,

"CCL" is asleep at her desk.  Her hands are positioned like she was typing and experienced narcolepsy.  How ironic is that?  My entry this morning was about me taking a nap in my car and here we have "CCL" sleeping at her desk.  I wonder how long she'll sleep for?

Stay tuned, I'll write when she wakes up.
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Awkward

Dear Diary,

I think it's going to be an awkward day between "CCL" and I.  I kinda, sort of, possibly cut her off pretty bad in the parking structure this morning.  I had no idea it was her in the car; it is just that she was going so sl-o-o-o-w-w.  I could not take it any longer and squeezed in ahead of her.

She must not have liked that because after I parked and got out of my car I noticed that "CCL" was slowly rolling by trying to get a look at who cut her off.  After we made eye contact she quickly turned her head and kept going.

She hasn't whispered "hello" to me today and so I think she's upset.  Should I give her a peace offering?  Perhaps offer her some free electrical services?
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I'm an Electricianalyst

Dear Diary,

Did you know that in addition to being a world-famous analyst.  Mattrix is also a certified electrician?  World-famous analyst, yes.  Electrician, not really, but, apparently, "CCL" thinks that I am.  "CCL" does not like how cold it gets in our office suite so I told her to buy a small heater like "Firestarter."

That was Thursday.  On Friday she came back to me and said (still whispering, mind you), "I bought a heater.  Will you help me plug it in?"  That seemed odd to me, but then I thought maybe she has some joint problem preventing her ability to bend down.  I told her okay, but she stopped me and said, "No, I can plug it in, I just don't know where."

Okay, now that is really odd to me.  I showed her the surge protector she had and also a spare outlet.  I told her to pick one and to plug it in.  Still hesitating, she asked me to look with her.  Now "CCL" is on all fours and I'm squatting next to her looking at a socket.  I pointed and said, "plug it in here."  Her response, "Oh perfect.  I'm not an electrician and I'd hate to break something."

I never thought that suggesting to someone they get a heater would be so much work for me.  Next time, if she asks for help, I'll show some "plumber's crack" in hopes it'll make her think twice about asking me for electrical assistance.
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When "Peet's Matt" Met "CCL"

Dear Diary,

I heard that "Peet's Matt" showed up yesterday afternoon.  Would you like to hear what happened?

"CCL" moved in late during the morning and I did not get a chance to chat with her until after lunch, hence "Peet's Matt" showed up.  "CCL" not wanting to disturb how quiet we are on our side, literally whispered every time she talked to someone.

Finding that very amusing, I had fun with "CCL's" whispering.  Imagine "CCL" whispering and then, when I spoke, "Peet's Matt" shouting.  It was so hard to keep a straight face.  Here's a snippet of our conversation.

"CCL" [Whispering]: It's nice over here.  I like how quiet it is.  I don't want to be too much of a disturbance, hopefully you guys won't notice me.

"Peet's Matt" [Shouting]: Don't worry, you won't bother us.  We are quiet over here, but we don't mind a little noise now and then.

"Peet's Matt" is so unpredictable.  I don't know what Peet's puts in their coffee, but that super-caffeinated coffee really gets me going.  I also think it turns off my "what-not-to-say-and-do" filter.
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