What am I Doing?

Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Karma

Dear Diary,

I don't subscribe to the "that's Karma" way of life, but I'm pretty sure this would be a good example.

Yesterday I ditched work to go to Disneyland (see Twitter).  This morning I get to work to find out that today is a casual Friday.  I did not get the e-mail in time to know that.  So now I'm all dressed up for work and everyone else is in jeans.

Is that a good example of Karma?  Perhaps.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Out of the Office

Dear Diary,

Shhh...don't tell anyone where I am today.  Watch Twitter for more details.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Do I Smell Paul?

Dear Diary,

I am not a smoker, but I do play one on T.V.

Part of my job that I do not like is the smell smokers bring with them back inside the building.  You know what I mean.  When a smoker comes back from their break the elevator stinks to high heaven.

[Side thought:] I love pipes though.  Why do those smell so good?

At Bankrupt [...BEEP...] there was a guy named Paul who was an 11th Floor-ee[?] that smoked.  However, what is special about Paul is he had a special smell.  When the elevator smelled of this smoke we all knew that Paul had gone outside.  Between his brand of cigarettes, breath mints and cologne; Paul had created his own essence.

Yesterday I went out for lunch and was stopped at a red light.  All of a sudden I got a sniff of Paul.  I'm not lying when I said out loud in my car, "I smell Paul."  I looked to my left and the car next to me had its window down.  Low and behold, Paul was driving the car smoking his cigarette...amazing.

I don't care what legacy I leave behind for my family and friends.  All I know is that I never want to be known for a certain smell.  I think most people should make that a goal in life.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

UPDATE: May 23, 2008 at 9:45 AM I solved the problem.  I signed my name on the list.

My Friday fun might turn into rage if I don't solve this word problem.  So far I'm stuggling with this one.  If you figure out the answer let me know.  Don't tell me the answer just rub it in my face that you got it sooner than I did.

Word Problem:
If you can open the spreadsheet, you'll see it's a very small list of people who have gotten the correct number -- but the list is getting longer.

There are 7 girls in a bus.
Each girl has 7 backpacks.
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats.
For every big cat there are 7 little cats.

Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

The number of legs is the password to unlock the Excel sheet.  If you open it, add your name and send it on to see who else can unlock it.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

ESL is for Quitters

Dear Diary,

"Wall Knocker"[?] is Korean and speaks Koreanese.  Or is it Koringrish.  Oh, duh, it's Korean.  He is Korean and speaks Korean.  That's embarrassing that I just did that.  Almost embarrassing as the time I went to Hong Kong express and ordered some food.  Instead of saying flied lice I accidentally said "fried rice."

"Wall Knocker" asked me for my opinion about some footnotes he was writing for one of his reports.  He thought the sentence sounded awkward.  After reading the sentence, I agreed, it sounded bad.  We rewrote it and as he was leaving my office he said, "Thanks, English is my second language."  I laughed and said don't worry; Korean is my second language so we're even.

My beef with "Wall Knocker" using the English as a second language, or "ESL", bit is that he moved to this country when he was eight years old.  When you're 26 and you've been in this country for 18 years I don't think that you can use the ESL card anymore.  If you do, then I probably should not have hired you because writing and publishing written reports is a part of your job description.

ESL is for quitters.  Don't use that excuse as a cop out.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Watch What you Click

Dear Diary,

I enjoyed reading this article this morning.  It's about Countrywide's CEO Angelo Mozilo.  He received an e-mail from a borrower asking him to modify his loan.  Angelo, instead of clicking "forward," clicked "reply" and responded to the borrower; but he did not know it.   Fun ensues from there.

I like the story because I can sympathize with Mr. Mozilo.  I remember a time when we were negotiating a new contract with a vendor and he was being a tool.  The vendor sent me an e-mail asking for some additional information and asked my boss (via e-mail), "Do you want me to respond to his request or ignore it like we were talking about earlier."

Can you guess which button I clicked?  Yeap, "reply" instead of "forward."  That e-mail went straight back to the vendor and yaddi yaddi yadda; he stopped sending us his business a week later.

I wonder how often this happens everyday in Internet land?  I suspect it has to be quite often.  That would be a great idea for a website, too.  A website that compiles all of the e-mails that were "replied to" instead of "forwarded."

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Rise of the "Empire"

Dear Diary,

In the past I have shared with you the disliking I have towards [...BEEP's...] accounting department (see here and here).  My biggest beef with them is the excessive use of the word "ASAP."  Normally it's the low-on-the-food-chain staff accountants that use ASAP the most, but this morning I discovered the problem is much worse.

Yesterday afternoon at 2:31 PM I received an e-mail from accounting asking me to provide them with my projections for when loans are going to have their interest rates reset.  On Mondays, I leave at 3:00 PM to go to my son's baseball practices.  I have been doing this for about three months.  I sacrifice my lunch hour so that I can leave early.

At 3:55 PM I received a voicemail from the person that sent the e-mail asking when I'll send them the projections.  I am out of the office and I am certainly not going to log on from home to do it.

This morning, at 5:38 AM the C.F. freaking O. of [...BEEP...] e-mails my boss and says, "For budget purposes, we need to input the most recent forecast of recasts by month ASAP.  We’ve asked Matt to provide this data."

Oh great!  Now the CFO and my boss are involved in this.  To summarize, based on this timeline, I received two "ASAP" requests in 1.5 hours and one CFO-sized "ASAP" at 5:38 AM.  Accounting, from here on out, is dead to me.  They are evil incarnate and shall now be known as the "Empire."

Now that I think about it, I think my story would make a great movie.  Here's what I'm thinking:

[Begin Mattrix's movie idea.]

From the bloated carcass of bankrupt [...BEEP...], an ambitious politician carved the Moronic Empire, a New Order of government meant to sweep away the injustices and inefficiencies of its predecessor.

Rather than offer the people of the galaxy newfound hope, the Empire instead became a tyrannical regime, presided over by a shadowy and detached despot steeped in the dark side of the ASAP.  Personal liberties were crushed, and the governance of everyday affairs was pulled away from the senate, and instead given to unscrupulous regional governors.

Accompanying the growth of the Empire was an unprecedented military buildup.  The many shipyards in the Emperor's domain churned out immense fleets of Star Destroyers and TIE-out fighters.  The Imperial starfleet maintained order in the mortgage industry, a role previously undertaken by Jedi Mattrix, a protector wiped out during the Emperor's ascent.

It was through fear that the Empire ruled.  Its power hungry lieutenants and technocrats developed greater and greater instruments of destruction to cow a rebellious populace.  This philosophy culminated in the creation of the Stupid Star, a mobile space station with a prime weapon of unspeakable power.  When fully charged, the Stupid Star's superlaser had the ability to destroy a planet by emitting thousands of ASAP requests.

[End Mattrix's movie idea.]

That's all I have so far, Diary.  What do you think?  I think if I work on this it might be great.  I can't think of anything else that has been done like this already.


Monday, May 19, 2008

Peet's Matt Hit List

Dear Diary,

A long time ago I created a "Peet's Matt"[?] Hit List.  "Wall Knocker"[?] was bugging me and he was the first to go up as a victim, err, target.  I'm writing today to report that last week "Peet's Matt" struck with full force and got "Wall Knocker" good.

For a refresher, re-read this post that originally got "Wall Knocker" on my list.

Background Information.  "Wall Knocker's" last name is Shin.

The Scene.  Five of us are in "Cryor's"[?] office looking at some SQL code and trying to figure out some protocols and procedures.  We were considering using Data Transformation Services packages ("DTS") to move data between two different servers.  "Wall Knocker" asks, "what is DTS?"

Aha, I found an opportunity to strike.  I now know a weak point in his knowledge of SQL.  After bantering back and forth with others in the room "Wall Knocker" thinks he gets the concept of DTS.  That's when I decide to jump in and take a shot at the Hit List target.

Through the power of Peet's coffee I said, "It means Don't Touch Shin."

Boom!  Laughter erupts and I throw my hands up in the air claiming my first hit.  After a few minutes "Wall Knocker" gets that I have just paid him back for not sharing his SQL knowledge with me.

Order and balance has been restored.

[Updating Hit List]

Peet's Matt Hit List
1) "Wall Knocker"
2) "Cryor"

Friday, May 16, 2008

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Happy Friday, Diary.  It's time for some Friday fun.

My high score is 2057.  Can you beat that?  I dare you to try.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Stupidity Begets Stupidity

Dear Diary,

I am not a spontaneous guy.  I prefer to think things out so that I can be prepared for the "unexpected."  However, one summer afternoon when I was a sophomore in college a friend of mine had an extra ticket to a 311 concert in San Diego.  Without thinking I accepted the offer to leave my house right then and there to go to the concert.  I had a great time and it will be an experience that I will never forget.  In fact, for a few weeks after the concert I carried the ticket stub with me in my wallet as a reminder of the fun I had.

Those that were more fortunate and got to go backstage of the concert probably had to wear a backstage pass.  I kept my ticket in my wallet, but a backstage pass needs to be worn around your neck for a few extra days, right?  I can see that.

Well, a growing number of people at [...BEEP...] have decided to take the backstage pass concept and apply it to our cardkeys.  I have been working at [...BEEP...] for almost one year now and I am seeing more and more of my co-workers wearing their cardkeys like they were backstage passes.  Stupidity begets stupidity.

It is absurd to me that they are doing this.  Our cardkeys do not have our pictures on them and they do not open doors.  They do not do anything except for letting us in and out of the parking structure.  Here is the picture I took of you and the cardkey, Diary.  Do you see how ugly that cardkey is?

I am at a loss for words on this one.  It makes no sense to me.  I do not know what is worse; wearing a cardkey like a backstage pass or that time in elementary school when I wore curly shoelaces for the whole school year.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Pink = Success

Dear Diary,

I feel confident that I have found the way to succeed in business.  Wear pink shirts.  Hear me out, Diary.

At Bankrupt [...BEEP...] a fair amount of the Senior Management team wore pink shirts to work.  The 11th-Floorees[?] and I, used to tease them about that, but alas, they were the ones laughing at us.

They would not tell us at the time, but I have since figured out that Pink = Success.  "CHESTer," a Vice President at [...BEEP...] wears a pink shirt too.  This weekend I am going out to buy five new pink, button-down shirts.  Victory (and success) is mine.

With my luck, though, people will probably think that I am a "Save the Tatas" campaign supporter.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Where to Begin

Dear Diary,

It has been so long I feel like I don't know where to start...

[Looks out office door]

(Click to enlarge)

Ah, yes, "Crazy Coffee Lady."  Or, as I like to call her, "CCL"[?] (pronounced See-cil).

A funny thing happened last Friday.  "Wall Knocker"[?] returned from somewhere and came into the office saying that a fire alarm was sounding off in the hallway.  No one in our office suite could hear it except for when "Wall Knocker" opened the door.

"CCL," being the older lady that she is, started to panic and would not stop talking about whether or not we needed to evacuate.  I was not going to evacuate because the alarm was not going off in our suite and there were no fire trucks outside.  I shared that with "CCL," but she was still worried.

Being the kind, gentle man that I am I decided to play some soothing music for "CCL" on my iPod. [Evil Laugh]

A long time ago I bought a sound effects CD with 100 various sound effects on it.  I also copied the CD to my iPod so that I could have access to it.  Scrolling through my iPod I found this track: "Fire Alarms & Trucks." [He he he]

I cranked up the volume on my iPod speakers and played the track..."CCL" went nuts.  She jumped up and out of her cubicle like Bugs Bunny being shot in the butt by Elmer Fudd and began running towards the door.

Now I feel horrible (for real) and chase after "CCL" to let her know that it was a joke.  Her poor 60+ year old heart almost gave out on me.  Maybe I'll lay off the sound effects for a little while.

Monday, May 12, 2008

If It's Okay With You

Dear Diary,

If it's okay with you I'd like to start writing to you again.  I know that I said I was too busy because of quarter-end, the new baby, etc.  After some reflection, though, I think I lost my writing mo-jo (yeah, baby) and that is the reason I have been so quiet.

Alas, I found some inspiration.  A balance between you and Twitter.  I like writing Twitter updates because it is quick, easy and fun to throw out one-liners.  However, since I am limited to 140 characters I can not share fun stories with you.  Writing to you allows me to share more details about my life at [...BEEP...].

So with that, I say "Hello, my name is Mattrix." [Puts on a "Hello my name is" sticker]

Going forward I'm going to try to balance things out by using Twitter and you to document my journey while riding this train called: Corporate America.

To ensure you receive all updates, stay tuned to my Twitter page at http://twitter.com/mattrix19.  Through the magic of technology I'll have your diary entries sent to Twitter and then you can read my updates and get a link to diary entries.

This is great Diary.  I feel like you and I are having another revival moment.  Similar to my first entry almost one year ago.  I'm going to re-read that entry to reignite my man love for diary writing.

See ya later 00-Diary... [WINK]