What am I Doing?

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

"Firestarter" Got Owned

Dear Diary,

"Firestarter" just got owned.  It was awesome!

[...BEEP...][?] was trying to file it's 10-Q with the SEC last night, but couldn't because accounting could not tie out two numbers our department provided.  I'm responsible for one number and "Firestarter" is responsible for another.  Here's the e-mail I got from "Firestarter" this morning:

[Boss' name] asked me to ask you to please send the Projected Recast report for back up?   (Make sure it ties to the numbers in question first.)  Thanks!
Please note, Diary, the "please make sure it ties" sentence.  For one, why would I send bad numbers to the Chief Financial Officer?  Answer: I wouldn't.   For two, why are you telling me this?  Answer: Because you love drama.  And for three... well, I don't have a third one.  But you get the idea.

Any ways, back to the story.  I sent my number, it ties out, and I am off the hook.  A few minutes later "Firestarter" sent her e-mail and look what happens next.  This e-mail is from a big shot in accounting.
The report seems to say $2 million when our 10-Q says $7 million on page 35?

We need to resolve this this morning.
Interesting!  Somebody didn't tie her number out before sending it.  Practice what you preach sister!  Boo-yah-ka.


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Trick or Treat?

Dear Diary,

I've decided that I would like to play a trick on someone in my department for Halloween tomorrow.  I'm thinking that "Wall Knocker" would be an easy target.  He's young, gullible and English is his second language; a trifecta for the perfect person to be tricked.

I have a few ideas:

1) Flip his computer monitor.  Pushing [Ctrl]+[Alt]+[an Arrow Key] will flip the image on his monitor in the direction of the arrow you click.

2) I have an Excel macro that, when opened, will reverse all of the menu commands.   For example, "File" would look like "eliF."  Even better, is when he clicks on a menu command all of the items within the menu will be reversed too.

3) Send him one of this typical scare videos.  You know, the ones where they get you to watch the monitor real close and then... BAM! ... something jumps out and scares you.

Can you think of any other ideas?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Intra Entry: Nicholas was Dead Tired

Dear Diary,

This is totally unrelated to [...BEEP...], but I think you should look anyway.

Here is a picture of Nicholas (19 months) after Disneyland on Friday night.  It was 10:30pm and he did not budge when I changed his clothes and diapers.

Tell me Diary, how can you still be mad at this cute, little guy for tearing one of your pages?

It's Yiddish for Matthew

Dear Diary,

Follow up to Friday's post.

I realized this weekend that one of my suspects was "Matisyahu" and you do not know who that is yet.  "Matisyahu" is this guy that walks around the floor with headphones on 24/7.  Yeap.  Even when he goes to the restroom he leaves the headphones on.  I call this guy "Matisyahu" for two reasons.  First, he looks like the real Matisyahu, whom is a member of the chassidic group of Judaism.  And second, being that the real Matisyahu is a reggae music artist and "Matisyahu" always has headphones; it seemed like a good fit.

I own this album and it is really good.  Scroll down a bit and you can click to listen to samples of the songs.

Any ways, back to "Matisyahu."  So this guy everywhere he goes has headphones on.  The kitchen, the restroom, making copies, talking to people, everywhere!  I'm dying to figure out what he is listening to.  Sometimes I'll stand uncomfortably close to him in the kitchen trying to get a hint about what he's listening to.  There is a ton of counter space in our kitchen, so I wonder what he thinks of me when I decide to prepare my coffee inches from his.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Where's my Coffee Cup?

Dear Diary,

I had a very bad scare this morning.  Something tragic happened that could have scarred me for the rest of my life (well, maybe).  I could not find my coffee cup this morning and the fear of not being able to have coffee was horrendously difficult for me to comprehend.

Instantly, I began cursing the names of all the potential suspects.

  • "Firestarter"
  • "Wall Knocker"
  • "Matisyahu"
  • Perhaps even, the graveyard shift crew of "Janitorial Engineers."
After scouring the kitchen, though, I eventually located my coffee up.  It was in the freezer.  What made me think of looking in the freezer?  I was desperate Diary; I needed to have a cup of coffee. And, it turned out to be a good decision because I found my cup.

In hindsight, I have no idea what I was doing/thinking that caused me to leave it in the freezer.  Perhaps subconsciously I thought that since beer mugs were chilled and that seems to be good; why not coffee cups too?  The problem with that theory, though, is that coffee is, most of the time, served piping hot.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

User Error

Dear Diary,

I have established myself as an accomplished computer user.  Over the months, I have shown that I can write SQL script, make super snazzy reports and even debug problems that others can't.  Because of all this, my opinion, related to computers, is taken at face value by others in the department.

During a meeting this morning I played a practical joke on my boss.  She was complaining about a report I produced and how it was not formatted well for printing.  I tried explaining that reports can get changed when opened on other computers because they have different settings.

She looked like she did not like that answer, so I jumped in with my joke.  I said, "Well, maybe it was an Id-10-T printing error."  She shook her head, indicating she agreed.

The funny thing is that there is no such thing as an "Id-10-T printing error".  Look at what the error spells, Diary...Id-10-T spells IDIOT.  Ha-ha-ha.

It was really hard for me to maintain my composure.  Hopefully my comment won't come back to bite me in my motherboard.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

No Entry

Dear Diary,

There'll be no entry today.  My boss is in a bad mood and is lashing out at everyone.  I should be on my best behavior and look like I'm working on a report.

I'll give you a teaser though.  I have another embarrasing moment story to tell you.  I think that'll increase my "Embarrassing Moment" counter up to three.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Call me Confused

Dear Diary,

The fires are still burning and the air still smells of dust, smoke and ash.  It's amazing how wildfires can get out of control and take out virtually anything that is in its path.  Especially when the Santa Ana Winds are blowing.

While it's not appropriate to laugh about the wildfires and the destruction it has caused, I do find the people talking about the wildfires funny.  So I am going to laugh at them instead.  Particularly, people that smoke cigarettes.

I find it very funny and ironic that the smokers at [...BEEP...], whom are going outside to smoke, are complaining about the ash and air quality.  After their smoke breaks they come back inside the building and say, "Can you believe all the smoke and ash in the air?  I can hardly breathe."

What!?!  Do you not hear what you're saying?  Where do you think you just came back from?  A trip to the oxygen bar?  When you smoke a cigarette aren't you purposefully lighting something on fire and then inhaling the smoke, ash and toxins?

Call me confused, but I would think that of all people, cigarette smokers would be fine with this.  They should be grateful that they are getting a free hit from Mother Nature.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Intra Entry: McDonald's Monopoly

Dear Diary,

I'm still hooked on the McDonald's Monopoly game.  I won another free breakfast sandwich this morning.  Score!


Caution: Winds Ahead

Dear Diary,

So that was a very windy night wasn't it?  Very scary at my house.

I was sitting on my porch watching a tree sway back and forth for about 15 minutes.  I left to go finish watching the NFL football game Sunday night.  Then, all of a sudden, I hear Mrs. Mattrix shouting, "Uh oh!  The tree fell."

Poor tree.  It was 30+ years old, 40 feet tall and was solid as a rock.  I've never seen it sway before, at the base of the trunk.  Last night, however, with 60mph wind gusts was just too much.

I'm just grateful this did not fall on my cars.  They're parked about 10 feet away to the right.  On the bright side, I've got a lot of firewood coming my way.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Happy Friday!  What are you doing this weekend?  I bought a Batman suit, modified it a bit, and I'm going B.A.S.E. jumping.  Below is a clip of what I'll be doing.

(Don't see the video?  Click here.)


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Intra Entry: Dilbert

Dear Diary,

I can, with 100% certainty, sympathize with Dilbert today.

Dilbert 18Oct07


McDonald's Monopoly

Dear Diary,

Where are your pages reserved for confessions?  I need to confess that I have an addiction to McDonald's Monopoly game.  I don't know why, but I am obsessed and convinced that I can win this game; despite the fact that the odds are against me.

I did not realize I had a problem until yesterday.

Diary: What happened, my son that made you realize you had a problem?

I was looking in trash cans at McDonald's looking for game pieces that people had thrown away.

Diary: Nasty!  I mean...go on, my son.

In my defense, the cup I found was on the top of the trash.  It had two game pieces on it and one of them was an instant win.  I've got a free breakfast sandwich coming my way.

Diary: Congratulations, but you still went digging through the trash.

Well, yes I did, but I would like to refer you to episode 92 of Seinfeld, "The Gymnast."  The particular scene I am referring to is George telling Jerry how he was caught eating an ├ęclair discarded by his girlfriend's mother.  My argument is the same as George's.  The ├ęclair (in my case, the cup) was on top of the trash, and not buried in the trash.

Diary: Did your hand go inside the trash can?

Yes, but barely.

Diary: Doesn't matter.  Your hand went in the trash can.  Therefore, I never want you to touch me again unless you wash your hands first.  Who knows what else you've touched before you write your entries.

Oh, c'mon, man!  Whose side are you on?  I thought we were tight?

Diary: We were tight, until I found out you were a dumpster diving dork looking for game pieces to a stupid game that you'll never win.

[Says, Whiling Running Away and Crying]
You know, Diary, sometimes your words can be very hurtful.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

dd2go: Wannabe

Dear Diary (to go),

Homeboy here is a wannabe.  Just because you staple a tailfin on to the back of your trunk it does not mean you are a race car driver.

Wake up... you're driving a Honda Accord.



Traffic School

Dear Diary,

Last night I completed my required eight hours of traffic school.  Do you remember why I had to go to traffic school, Diary?  Oh c'mon.  You have no clue?  Gee, thanks for caring.  I hope I don't put you out too much with all this stuff I write about.

Shut up!  You're a diary.  You're supposed to keep track of this kind of stuff.

Anyways...I need to move on.  I had to go to traffic school because I got a speeding ticket back in June.  I was doing 87 MPH in a 65 MPH zone; which, it turns out, is a tad bit faster than I am supposed to go.

So yeah, traffic school sucks.  I told Mrs. Mattrix that I would rather have the point on my record than be associated with some of the people that were in the class.  Here are the top three moments.

Traffic School Top 3 HighLowlights

1) My "school" was at the Chino Motel.  I swear I could feel diseases crawling all over me trying to infect me with whatever it is they were.

2) My "professor" was an obese lady whom would say "good morning" to everyone that walked into the classroom.  The thing is, is that the class was held at night.  It was pitch black outstide and she would still say, "good morning."  Even funnier than that was that people would reply back to her with, "good morning."

3) A couple of times we talked about stuff that could (or could not) be in your car.  More than once the "professor" said "I've got junk in my trunk;" which I could not help from laughing at every time because, you see, she was obese.

I have never been to traffic school before, but I was 100% disappointed.  Are we supposed to learn something at these things?  And are we supposed to take tests at the end of it?  We did none of that...we didn't learn, and we didn't take a test.

I'm probably stupid for saying this, but I'm going to call the "school" and DMV to complain.  Taking traffic school online is prohibited now, but I know that I could have learned more from an online course than from what I had to sit through for eight hours.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Too Stressed Out to Write


Dear Diary,
I am too stressed out to write.  Read my Twitter posts (from earlier this morning) to see why.
I'll write tomorrow.  I'll share with you how my traffic school went.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Intra Entry: Is it me?

Dear Diary,

Is it me?  Am I the one that is being cranky because it's an e-mail from "Firestarter?"  Am I justified for feeling irritated by her e-mail?

I asked "Firestarter" for some numbers to put in a memo I was writing.  Here's my e-mail in response to the numbers she sent:

For the Option ARMs...

Mar-06 = 489,900
Jun-06 = 157,322

That is a large drop in balance.  Is that accurate?

Then she writes back:
Those aren't balances, they are originations for each month.  They are accurate.

Um, yes they are balances!  They are balances at loan origination.  It irritates me so much that she is like that.  Where does she get this attitude from?  Her constant chain-smoking?  All I wanted was a confirmation of the drop in dollar amounts.  Not a lecture in terminology.

She was an IT major in college.  Her title is Junior Analyst and she has been in the mortgage industry for about 2.5 years.  I was a Finance major in college.  My title is Senior Analyst and I have been in the mortgage industry for about 10 years.

I show respect to my seniors (within the company).  Where's my respect from her?  I know what I'm talking about "Firestarter."


Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

I feel like eating Wendy's today for some reason.  Do you want to go with me?


Dear diary to go, why...

Dear diary to go, why is traffic not moving, I am stuck, move, no one is moving diary, I can't take it.
Click here to listen

Powered by Jott

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Intra Entry: McDonald's Ad

Dear Diary,

McDonald's claims in their ads that they have fresh-cracked eggs in their breakfast sandwiches.  I'm writing to let you know that it is true.  This morning I ate a "Sausage McMuffin with Egg (and Egg Shells)."  It was crunchy, but it still tasted good.

Flowers for National Boss Day

Dear Diary,

Update from an earlier entry: "National Boss Day."

In the words of the great George Costanza: "You know, we're living in a society!  We're supposed to act in a civilized way."

I can not believe people do stuff like this.  Read this e-mail:

I ordered a flower arrangement from Chris Lindsay Designs

Total: $120.47 on my card.

$17.21 ea. Please (went over the $10 ea.) hope that was ok.. Payday is fine… J

Will be delivered on Bosses Day the 16th !

I'm furious.  In the first place, I did not want to participate in this.  I am not a fan of Hallmark-invented holidays.  Second, I agreed to $10.  Not $11, not $12; and most certainly not 17 freaking 21!

It infuriates me even more that she adds, "hope that was ok."  No, it's not okay.  And here's what sucks, Diary.  If I give her $10 instead of $17.21 then I look like a cheap jerk for not participating.

I am going to pay her with rolls of pennies and tell her to stick them where the flowers won't grow.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

We've Fallen And Can't Get Up

Dear Diary,

Call Lifeline!  [...BEEP...] has fallen and can't get up.  We're bleeding profusely over here.

If I take a 50 percent salary pay cut, I could probably help reduce the loss from $23M to $20M.  I just might do that for the sake of the team.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Stick Bug

Dear Diary,

Stick Bug "Stick Bug" is "QC Ted's" manager.  She complains, quite frequently, about how cold she is and so, she has to drink, quote: "really hot coffee to stay warm."

Being the 6 foot 2 inch fly on the wall, I look over at her and realize that this woman must be so cold that her brain has hypothermia.  "Stick Bug" is dressed like she's ready for that Labor Day heat wave we had this year to come back.  She's in a short-sleeved shirt, has a jean skirt on, and is wearing Roxy flip-flops.

I'm no Gap store manager, but shouldn't she be dressing for fall instead of summer?  Seriously, Diary, she is a 5-foot tall woman that looks like a stick bug.  She has no meat or anything on her.  She's skinnier than Courtney from this season's Survivor (Season 15).

If you are cold, then put some clothes on and/or gain lots of weight.  But stop telling every person that comes into the kitchen how tough life is as a stick bug.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Shame on Labor Unions

Dear Diary,

From a 30,000-foot view, I agree with the concept of labor unions.  The agendas they have fought for in the past (e.g., wages, working conditions, employee rights, etc.) have greatly improved the quality of life for many individuals.

Labor unions in history... good.  Labor unions today... bad.

In South Orange County, CA we have these labor unions that "protest" by hiring sad-looking people to stand outside a business' building with signs that read:

Labor Dispute.  Shame on [...BEEP...][?].

The signs are so common around here, I believe most people pay no attention to them.  I, on the other hand, have a curse of noticing small things like this, and I can not stand these "sad-looking" people anymore.

Why are they standing there all day?  I know they are not members of the union.  For example, some 11th Floor-ees[?] and I once saw three college girls holding the sign up while they were studying.

And another thing.  Do those people think they are going to get paid?  Let's think about it.  The union is protesting because they did not get hired to build/move cubicles.  So that means the union is not making money.  How do they expect to get paid?

Babu Bhatt Babu Bhatt (and Mattrix) think that Labor Unions are "very, very bad men" (wagging his finger).

Friday, October 5, 2007

National Boss Day

Dear Diary,

I got this e-mail this morning from my boss' secretary.

Just an FYI:

Good morning. National Boss Day this year is on Tuesday 10/16/07. Would be nice to get [BOSS' NAME] some flowers for that day.. Anyone want to contribute? $10 ea.? I can order them on my card and you can just give me the $. Ok?

Not only is this e-mail riddled with grammatical errors, it is also inundated with abbreviations.  Good grief, lady!

If you want me to give you money for something that is going to wilt and die in one day then at least have the courtesy to send a well-written e-mail.

Additionally, 10 dollars from each of us will mean she's getting a $100 - $120 flower arrangement.  For that kind of money, I want to see flowers that flash neon text saying: "Happy National Boss Day."

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Intra Entry: Delinquencies Are Up


Dear Diary,
My boss called this morning in a panic because our delinquencies are up.  Well, duh, I thought.  What do you think has been happening for the last six months?  Why do you think I work for you and not bankrupt [...BEEP...] anymore?

Intra Entry: Sputnik

Dear Diary,

Did you pay your respects to Sputnik today?  It's his 50th birthday.

Happy birthday Sputnik.   Way to orbit the Earth on an elliptical path for about 98 minutes.


Cubicle Decorations

Dear Diary,

Decorating cubicle (and office) walls are a great way to show others who you are and what interests you.  For example, to the right you can see a picture of my computer monitor.  Based on this, you would gather that I like cartoons.

"QC Ted's" neighbor, has decorations on her cubicle wall and I can not for the life of me figure out what they mean.  I've been here just over four months now and I don't have an answer.  That's why I'm writing to you today.  What do you think this person is trying to us?

This picture shows a gigantic horse trying to crush another horse with its giant horse shoe.

This next picture I have no clue.  I don't see how any of these things tie together.  What's up with the My Little Pony?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Mommy's At Work

Dear Diary,

Being a Dad of three (soon to be four), I understand how a parent, when not around children, continues to use "baby talk."  For instance, I know for a fact that there are Mom's working on my floor at [...BEEP...].  How can I be so certain you ask?  Easy, all I have to do is listen to women talk to each other, and listen for keywords.

The best, and what makes me laugh the most, is when one woman asks another woman to help her with something.  The conversation goes something like this (keywords are highlighted in bold):

Mom #1: Can you help me review this loan file?
Mom #2: Sure, right after I go potty.

Mom #1: Okay, thanks.  You know what?  I think I'll go pee pee too.

End scene.

That is one of my all-time favorites so far.  I am not making this up.  It was hi-lar-ious.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

dd2go: World's Ugliest Tree

Dear Diary (to go),

I'm going to step out on a limb and say that this has to be one of the world's ugliest tree.



Why the Internet Exists

Dear Diary,

When Al Gore invented the Internet, he most likely envisioned web sites being built with designs that were engaging, and reading that is both comprehensive and informing.

This web site, I think, completes Al's vision.  Screw online banking or ESPN.com; this is why the Internet exists.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Intra Entry: Boobie Update

Dear Diary,

UPDATE: In response to this, I decided to review my health survey.

Turns out I checked the box marked "female."   I double-checked and I am not a female...I am a male.  I made the correction on my health survey and I am no longer a moderate risk for breast cancer.

Phew.  That was a close one.



Dear Diary,

I ran into our chief appraiser this morning and I noticed something.  He had an AirTouch pager.  Do you remember pagers, Diary?  You would dial the phone number and then punch in numbers.  How old school is that?  He's probably had that same pager since 1995.  Totally dorky today, in my opinion, but an awesome reminder of the past.

I remember when I had one during my senior year of high school.  I was da bomb.  My buddies would page me with these codes that we made up.

"2255 63 6288", meant "Call Me - Matt."  Ah, yeah, boy-ee!

I'm going to try to find out what his number is so I can page him the all-time classic "07734", which spelled "hello," if you held it upside down.  I can't even count how many times I have typed that on my calculator and shown that to someone sitting next to me in class.