What am I Doing?

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Entry Update

Dear Diary,

Weekend Thursday Update with Mattrix.

Entry: Do you remember "QC Ted's" revealing lunch?
Update: He's now sitting on a donut cushion.  That can't be good.

Entry: Do you remember my boss' secretary asking for more money and I didn't know what to do?
Update: I calmed down and contributed the $25.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

New Low

Dear Diary,

I reached a new low at [...BEEP...] yesterday.  I was reprimanded for making a PDF file and e-mailing a memo to a co-worker in our department.

My boss' argument: Why couldn't "CHESTer" just look at the MS Word version?

My argument: Because I wanted him to have a copy that was locked down from making any changes.

Her counter argument: That doesn't make sense.

My counter argument: Does it really matter?  They're both the same thing.


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Big Profit Margin

Dear Diary,

When others do not understand Microsoft Access and I do, it is a great way for me to build up my capital at [...BEEP...].  Recently I built a MS Access database, which has spawned itself into a new (and important) department at [...BEEP...].

Because the department is new, I have been working closely with the VP of the department.  She does not understand a lick of MS Access, thus when she asks for a report she thinks it is hard and complicated.  I am honest and tell her it is not too hard, but she still sees it as being difficult.

This morning I built a summary report in 10 minutes that quantifies her days work on one page.  I showed it to her just now and she was amazed.  She has been very kind, by talking me up to the Executive Management team she works with, which, in turn; builds up my capital at [...BEEP...].

I love days like this.  I am earning a big profit margin on this database.  It is like I am the owner of Disneyland.  I am selling you a medium soda for $2.25 and it only costs me $0.05 to make it.  That is a nice profit margin; 4,400% to be exact.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Dear Diary,

What is she doing!?!  This gift giving thing is getting completely out of control!  I got another e-mail from my Boss' secretary.

We would like to get Carol a nice Gift – We know she loves pampering so a gift certificate for a spa treatment, etc. would be fabulous!

We are asking $25 per person. If you would like to contribute, please give the money to Sue asap and we will take care of the rest!

Thank you so much!

I am truly stuck in that Seinfeld episode where Elaine gets an afternoon sugar rush from all the Happy Birthday cakes.  Remember the part when she goes nuts on everyone?  I am close to that point.  Stop the party bus!  Our industry is tanking and people are losing their jobs.  Save your money for when we all get laid off.

It's hard for me to justify spending money on someone's retirement when I'm worried about my job still being around in three months, and I have four kids depending on me.  I've been working at [...BEEP...] for almost nine months and I have spent $75 so far on this type of stuff.  If I were to do this, it would be $100.  What do I do Diary?


First Base

Dear Diary,

I accidentally made it to first base with "CB Ty" this morning.  Well, probably more half of the way than all the way to first base, but still, it was much farther than I ever wanted to go.  I went to change the temperature in the car and I grabbed his knee.  Hopefully I didn't squeeze; he'll have to tell me if I did.

In other news.  The lady that took the day off Tueday because of "stress" was back.  She was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  I kept hearing, "I'm so busy I don't know where to start."  Hmm, maybe you shouldn't have taken the day off then.  Because of that comment, I added her to my "Peet's Matt Hit List."

Peet's Matt Hit List
1) "Wall Knocker"
2) "Cryor"

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Random Thoughts

Dear Diary,

Maybe it is because of the longer weekend, or because I am caffeinated out of my mind, but I can't think clearly right now.  Today's entry, as a result, will be my random thoughts.

1) Why does the lady that cries get the day off because "she's too stressed?"  Today is going to be our busiest day of the month and she gets the day off.  Furthermore, why does my boss let her do that?  If all it takes to get an extra day off is crying, then I'm in.  I can cry with the best of them.

2) My knee hurts.  Probably from Disneyland yesterday.  I remember carrying a kid on my shoulders and pushing the other two in a stroller.

3) I got dressed in the dark again.  I'm wearing olive green pants with a white and grey long-sleeved shirt.  Does that match?

4) I must have shaved in the dark too.  I have a patch of hair on my neck that I completely missed.  Hopefully no one thinks that I'm trying to grow an Adam's Apple goatee.

5) "CCL" said something to me, but I couldn't understand her whispering.  So I said, "that's true" and kept walking.  Hopefully my response was appropriate for whatever it was she said.

Friday, January 18, 2008

dd2go: Not Possible

dd2go: Not Possible
Originally uploaded by mattrix19

Dear Diary (to go), I know now what kind of a car morons drive.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

An Excellent Lunch Becomes a Bogus Adventure

Dear Diary,

"QC Ted" last week asked if I would go to lunch with him; I said yes, but I couldn't go until next week.  Time passed by and yesterday we went to lunch at a Ralph's deli.

The lunch was going surprisingly good.  We talked about his art, he likes video games, I like video games.  He went to Biola, I got my MBA at Biola.  Time was almost up and we needed to head back to work.  I was thinking, "this is actually not that bad."  "QC Ted" is a very nice guy, but then suddenly he must have thought we had a deep bond because he changed the topic.

As we were leaving the patio he had a look off pain on his face as he stood up.  "QC Ted" decides to tell me what his problem is.  His coccyx (i.e., tailbone) has been hurting him lately.  He then goes into unnecessary details about how the pain shoots down his butt crack.

Are you kidding me?  Who tells someone that your butt crack hurts and how you are going to the doctor tomorrow to have it, uh hum, examined.  Our lunch at Ralph's instantly became tainted and ruined.  Speaking of Ralph's, that's what I wanted to do in the parking after imagining "QC Ted" a** up, face down in the pillow; at the doctor's office.

P.S. If you need a "QC Ted" refresher, here are some previous "QC Ted" entries.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Dear Diary,

No witty entry for me today.  This is my first year-end at [...BEEP...] and I am quickly learning that is total chaos.  No one knows what they are doing and no one's numbers tie out with any other department numbers.  I'm stuck in the middle and I want off this ride.

Some of my previous entries sum up what has been going on.


Monday, January 14, 2008

Fake Career Growth

Dear Diary,

I do not like it when people beat around the bush when trying to ask me to do something.  If you want my help ask me; don't try the passive-aggressive maneuvers.

My boss does this a lot.  When a project comes up that is outside the "scope of my job" she sends e-mails with subjects like:

1) "It's time to shine."
2) "Another one of those opportunities."
3) "Oh, Matty you're so fine, You're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Matty!"

Okay, so I made up that last one, but you get the picture right?  Here's the thing... [looks for a soap box]...

To Mattrix's Boss:

You and [...BEEP...] are paying me to sit at a desk for eight hours to do work.  As far as I am concerned these "time to shine" e-mails are bogus.  I do work, you pay me for that work and the cycle continues.

[Turns on Elton John's Circle of Life]

Let's not beat around the bush anymore.  When you want me to do something, ask and I'll do it.

The mortgage industry is going to the crapper and I need a job.  So chances are I'm not going to complain and say, "That's not in my job description."  These fancy e-mail subjects are not necessary.  Besides the last time I built up my "time to shine" savings account, the company went bankrupt and I lost all my deposits.  "Time to Shine" accounts, it turns out, are not FDIC insured.

Mattrix out!


Friday, January 11, 2008

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

The coffee is flowing today and I am feeling it!  I joked around with the head of our Fraud department this morning that I'm going to make a fraudulent loan at [...BEEP...] to see how long it'll take her department to figure out what I did.  Hopefully she knows that I was joking, otherwise I might be getting a visit from some guys in suits with silver "bracelets" for me to wear.

Here's a Friday Fun video for you too.  If Fred and Barney are doing it, it must be okay, right?

(Can't see the video?  Click here.)


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Caution! Dork on Board

Dear Diary,

I don't remember what I was thinking about, but I was really zoned out when I pulled up to the parking structure at [...BEEP...].  I had trouble getting the gate to open this morning because I was using my garage door opener.

I sat there for about 20 seconds pushing the button on my garage door opener trying to figure out why it wasn't working.  Then it hit me.  Maybe it doesn't work because it's NOT A GARAGE!

I'm glad no one was behind me waiting and honking.  That experience probably would have rivaled one of my first embarrassing moments at [...BEEP...].

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Tear Ducts of Steel

Dear Diary,

One of my "resolutions" for 2008 is to use my gym membership more frequently.  After all, since I'm paying for the service I might as well go too right?  Well, I also need to find a way to strengthen my tear ducts.

Let me explain.  I finished watching a video of a marine coming home from Iraq.  He surprised his wife and kids by showing up at his daughter's school assembly.  After seeing the daughter's reaction I lost it.  Instantly, my eyes welled up with tears and now I'm trying to hide them from anyone that might show up at my office door at any moment.  I'm a sucker for those kinds of videos.  Probably because I have kids, right?

So how do I strengthen my tear ducts, Diary?  What good is it if my pectorals are perky, my biceps are bulging, my deltoids are delicious, and my glutes are gorgeous, if I have the weakest tear ducts on the block?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

He's On My List

Dear Diary,

"Wall Knocker" needed some help with a SQL query and asked if I would help him.  After reviewing the code, I found the problem and told him how to fix it.

He fixed the problem and then commented out a large block of code with a shortcut keystroke.  I asked him how he did that and he laughed and said, "Ha, now I know something that you don't about SQL."  I thought he was joking and laughed along.  I asked again, "How did you do that?"  He smiled and said, "Nope, I'm not telling."

Visibly irritated with him, I walked out of his office, sat down at my desk, pulled out a piece of paper and wrote this:

Peet's Matt Hit List
1) "Wall Knocker"

Effective immediately, for 2008, I have created a "hit list."  The next time I have Peet's Coffee I will refer to my hit list and identify my next victim target.  I don't know when or how Peet's Matt will strike, but when he does it'll be great.  Sort of like the "shock and awe" campaign used when the U.S. bombed Iraq for the first time.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Intra Entry: She's Awake

Dear Diary,

She's awake now.  Total time asleep = 10 minutes.

That's a long time to fall asleep at your desk.  I was getting ready to go check for a pulse.

Intra Entry: Ironic

Dear Diary,

"CCL" is asleep at her desk.  Her hands are positioned like she was typing and experienced narcolepsy.  How ironic is that?  My entry this morning was about me taking a nap in my car and here we have "CCL" sleeping at her desk.  I wonder how long she'll sleep for?

Stay tuned, I'll write when she wakes up.

Wake up Sleepy Head

Dear Diary,

I experienced my first blunder of 2008 last Friday.  The dreaded "over sleep in your car during lunch" problem.

After having eaten lunch at one of the greatest restaurants ever, I had 30 additional minutes to kill.  The Newport Back Bay is within walking distance from [...BEEP...] so I decided to park my car and take a quick snooze.

After dozing off, I was awoken to Nirvana's song "Rape Me."  I was still half asleep, but I remember saying, "huh, they just played that song a few minutes ago."  I sat up to look at the clock and I had been asleep for over an hour!

Frantically, I sat up and started driving.  Forgetting to put my seat belt on and forgetting to lift the back of my seat to its upright position.  I try to dash back to work as quickly as I can.  As I make a hard left at the stop sign I wipe drool off my face with my sleeve and check my hair; I have "bed head."

I park the car and do the best I can with my hair and briskly walk back into work.  No one notices I'm late and I sit down to field fake phone calls so it looks like I'm busy while I try to slow my heart beat down.

Who knew that a song like "Rape Me" would have been so helpful?  If it weren't for that song playing I might have slept the afternoon away.  From now on, Diary, I'm bringing you to all my lunches so that you can make sure I wake up on time.

Thursday, January 3, 2008


Dear Diary,

I think it's going to be an awkward day between "CCL" and I.  I kinda, sort of, possibly cut her off pretty bad in the parking structure this morning.  I had no idea it was her in the car; it is just that she was going so sl-o-o-o-w-w.  I could not take it any longer and squeezed in ahead of her.

She must not have liked that because after I parked and got out of my car I noticed that "CCL" was slowly rolling by trying to get a look at who cut her off.  After we made eye contact she quickly turned her head and kept going.

She hasn't whispered "hello" to me today and so I think she's upset.  Should I give her a peace offering?  Perhaps offer her some free electrical services?