What am I Doing?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

So Long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Good Night

Dear Diary,

This is it Diary.  After this entry I will be packing you into one of my boxes and we will be moving onward.  When all is said and done, I will have worked for [...BEEP...] (I used it for old-times sake) for 1 year and 2 months.

Here's a quick run down of yesterday and today's activities.

1) "QC Ted" and I went to lunch.  He couldn't afford to pay for a meal out so I bought him lunch.  It's weird taking someone out to lunch because I'm leaving, but that doesn't matter.  I like "QC Ted."

When we got back to the office he did give me a long (3-seconds) hug good-bye.  So if someone that knew me happened to be driving by at the time they would see me locked in an embrace with "QC Ted."

2) My boss called and joked about how I should be glad that I am leaving because I work for someone that doesn't even take me out to lunch on my last day.  I laughed and said, "yeap." ;)

3) This morning I'll be taking my boxes to the car and will be closing my checking account.  As soon as an employee stops working for the company they slap all kinds of "normal customer" fees on the account.  I'm not up for that.

4) My exit interview is scheduled for noon.  I am still debating how much I should reveal to my boss about why I am leaving.  I guess it'll depend on how my boss grills me with the questions.  I'll be prepared if she draws first blood.

It's been real and it's been fun, but I can't say that it has been real fun...

...my next job, though...now that's going to be fun.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Are You Happy to See Me?

Dear Diary,

I need your help with something.  This might be hard for you to understand because you're a book and not human, but still I value your insight.

We guys have a problem that women do not have to deal with.  And that is...uh...how do I say this?  We have a special tool that we carry around with us.  And it's a great tool.  We like the tool, but it causes havoc sometimes.  For example, in junior high and high school we had to hide our tool sometimes by strategically placing books as we walk around.

Now that we're grown-up we have a bit more control of our tool, but the thoughts of junior high and high school still linger, and that is the problem I need help with.

Guys, when wearing certain pants, experience the "tent effect."  For example, most of the pants that I wear to work create a "false tent" when I sit down.  Personally -- and I suspect other guys do too -- I find this awkward and I do not want to give off the impression that I am pitching a tent.

It's even more awkward, though, to push down or poke your tent because then it just looks like you are playing with yourself, which we are not doing.  We are trying to make the tent go down.

What would you do to solve this problem, Diary?  Should I staple my pants to my boxers?  Or use paper clips?  Please share your ideas.

For now, when I meet someone and we sit down I say: "Hello, my name is Mattrix and I am not happy to see you."


Monday, July 28, 2008

What's my age again?

Dear Diary,

Hang on...I want to turn my iPod on.

Artist: Blink-182
Album: Enema of the State (1999)
Song: What's my Age Again?

This is so great.  I learned last week that "Firestarter" is ADHD.  That's awesome because it explains a lot to me.  For instance, like why can she not keep her yapper shut for more than 15 seconds.  At the meeting where my boss showed me all the resumes she's gotten so far, "Firestarter" interrupted everyone at least once.

I wish I knew this coming into this job.  That would have been good information to know so I can figure out how to deal with "Firestarter."  Looking at Wikipedia, ADHD is a neurobehavioral developmental disorder.  It typically presents itself during childhood, and is characterized by a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity, as well as forgetfulness, poor impulse control or impulsivity, and distractibility.

See that..."poor impulse control."  That's her.  Oh well, too little too late.

I am, though, going to play Blink-182's song "What's my age again?" a lot more before I leave [...BEEP...] Downey.

And that's about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And I'm still more amused by TV shows
What the hell is A.D.D.?
My friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

No, Try Not, Do or Do Not...There Is No Try

Dear Diary,

It appears that the niceties between my boss and I are starting to fade.  Yesterday I sent an e-mail to my boss' secretary asking her for some copies of minutes from various meetings.

I am trying to get the second quarter Sarbanes-Oxley ("SOX") testing done before I leave because I think that would be nice.  The testing is not due until mid-August so I probably could blow it off if I tried.  I feel guilty doing that so I am working as hard as I can to get it done.

Check out the e-mail conversations below.  What would your reaction be?

From: Mattrix
To: Boss' Secretary
CC: Boss

Hello.  I'm trying to get the 2Q08 SOX testing done before I leave.  Can you help me get copies of the documents listed below related to Q2 2008?

1) Audit Committee Meeting Agenda
2) IAR Meeting Notes
3) Minutes of Audit Committee

An hour later I get an e-mail back from my boss.
From: Boss
To: Mattrix

Your use of the word "trying" makes me uncomfortable.  Can you make a commitment?  Thanks.

Immediately I did not like this e-mail.  Who talks like that?  Normal people say things like, "I am trying to get such and such done."  That's how people talk.  I am not Robin Hood.  If I were I would have said, "If it were pleasing in thy lady's eyes, please allow me to commit myself to the completion of me lady's kingdom of reports."

If I am going to bust my butt getting SOX testing done for this defunct department then I do not deserve to be talked to like this.  So with great pleasure I fired back an e-mail to my boss.
From: Mattrix
To: Boss

"Trying" refers to the fact that I am dependent on others for their reports and tests.  If I get everything I need in time I'll get it done before I leave.

I am not going down for this because "Firestarter," "Cryor," and "Wall Knocker" do not give me their crap on time.

Who does she think she is with this "trying" bit, Yoda?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Odor

Dear Diary,

Today is the day after the day I gave notice.  It is a weird feeling.  I am excited to leave Downey Savings (a.k.a. [...BEEP...]) and move on to other better things, but I have so much material left to write about.  What should I do about that?  Maybe I'll keep writing after I am gone.

Over a year ago I complained about the office "Stank Factor."  Briefly, it outlined people taking walks around the bay and coming back to the office hot and smelly.  I even made a chart.

I am writing to let you know that yesterday I contributed to the Stank Factor.  In fact, I am going to take it a step farther and say that I was beyond stank; I was rank.  I went running last Friday and put my sweaty clothes in my gym back.  Over the weekend I intended to wash everything, but I forgot.  Even worse is that I thought that I did wash the clothes.

I got to work on Monday and started getting ready for my run only to be slapped in the face with a horrible locker room odor.  It was vile.  Did I shove the clothes back into my back and forgo the run?  Of course not; I am a dude and dudes do dumb things.  I convinced myself that no one would notice.

Walking out of my office (that is where I change by the way) I walked past "CCL."  As I did, though, I noticed that she snickered and covered her nose.  This is no coincidence; she got a big whiff of nasty Mattrix.  I walked even faster out of the office and took the elevator down.  I did not take the normal elevators too.  I took the freight elevator.

"CCL" and I don't talk about "The Odor," but the looks on her face are enough to make me feel embarrassed.  So you know what that means...

[CLICK x1][?]

Embarrassing Moment Counter Total: 6

Monday, July 21, 2008

[...BEEP...] Is Revealed

Dear Ms. [Boss Lady]:

This is to inform you that I am resigning from Downey Savings. My last day will be Thursday, July 31st.

My experiences here have helped me define my goals, and I have accepted an associate position with Cerberus Capital.

Thank you for all your help. Please be assured that I will do all that I can to help during my departure.

Matthew D. Mullins

CC: Human Resources

Friday, July 18, 2008

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Today's Friday fun is an experiment.  [...BEEP...] allowed us to wear jeans today so I decided to have some fun.  I am wearing a Bankrupt [...BEEP...] shirt.  Do you think anyone will notice?  And if they do, will they say something to me about it?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

All That and a Bag of Chips

Dear Diary,

I am furious right now.  I have a 9:00 AM deadline and my SQL server has been shut down.  I would like to assume that there was a problem and the server is rebooting, but that does not appear to be the case.  After a call to I.T. I have come to the conclusion that incompetence is the culprit here.

Some schmuck in I.T. decided to take the server down for "processing and maintenance."  What!?!  When I challenged that decision I got a stick-up-their-butt answer.  They tried to outwit me with their buzzwords.

Listen here you ITT Technical Institute graduate.  I've been working with SQL servers for 10 years now and I think I know when a good time and bad time to shut down a server is.  Professor Smith in your Bryman College class Server 101 should have told you to never shut down a server during business hours.  Do you think the server sleeps at night like we do?  It was built to do work at night.

Morons!  You think you're all that and a bag of chips because you play World of Warcraft and know what a SANS drive is.  Well guess what?  I like to play James Bond video games and I'm an expert with the sniper rifle.  You best respect my A game.

Peace out.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

Is This Your Best Idea?

Dear Diary,

We have reached the end of the quarter at [...BEEP...] and now everyone is frantically trying to get everything ready so we can announce our quarterly earnings.  The genius on the other side of the building (i.e., my boss' secretary) came up with a great idea.  We received an e-mail the other day from her that said:

Talked to [Boss] - It would be a good idea for everyone to carry their cell phones if you are away from your office. thanks!

No really!?!  Actually, I prefer to use my cell phone as a paper weight in my office.  Why would I want to carry a mobile phone around with me?

I would rather have my boss mandate that we staple ourselves to the chairs and not leave instead of beating around the bush.  Can you tell I have had enough of these passive-aggressive e-mails?