What am I Doing?

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Not a Creature was Stirring

Dear Diary,

I know I said I was going to take the rest of the year off, but I thought this was too funny not to share.

(Click to enlarge)
not_a_creature_was_stirring
.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Being Politically Correct

Dear Diary,

Well, this is it for me.  My last entry for the year 2007.  I'm going to take off the rest of the year to let my creative juices refill.  However, I will probably send you some Twitter updates here and there so you don't feel completely left out.

Before I go though, I want to share one last thought with you: how to be PC during Christmas.  I've seen a lot of people exchanging gifts, sending cards, and wishing each other a Merry Christmas...or is it, Happy Holidays?  Oh, wait, sorry you're a Season's Greetings person.  It's funny listening to everyone trying to guess what the other person would say during Christmas.

Here's a thought.  Instead of being overly sensitive to the other person, why don't you say what you believe and then let that person be sensitive to you, by not correcting you.  And then, vice versa, you return the favor when they say something else.  For example, if you say Merry Christmas then say it and let the other person respond back Happy Holidays, if they want to.

So with that, I'm going to continue saying Merry Christmas...but with a twist.  It should be fun (for me) to watch other people's reactions.  Have a good vacation, Diary.

Oh, and Happy Baby-Jesus'-Birthday!
.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Christmas Lull

Dear Diary,

The attendance at [...BEEP...] is steadily decreasing as Christmas approaches.  The day after Christmas (which I don't have off) I'll be able to close my office door and dance in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business without fear of someone bursting in.
.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Claim to Fame Dumb

Dear Diary,

Bankrupt [...BEEP...] was listed as part of Fortune magazine's "101 Dumbest Moments in Business" for 2007.  We took the #31 slot.  I'm going to use this as the launching platform for a motivational speaking circuit I've been developing.  My title is long, but it might become catchy.

"Subprime Mortgages are Like War, What are They Good for?  Absolutely Nothing."

P.S.  I also found this yesterday.  So sad.
.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Dumb and Dumber Moment

Dear Diary,

Did you notice my Twitter update from Friday afternoon?  Oh boy, was I in distress!  I was totally about to pull the "Dumb and Dumber" pee in a cup maneuver (it's near minute 25 of the movie).

I was reaching for my coffee mug in the back seat when I noticed a SUV drive by and the driver could look down into my car.  That's when I realized I was insane for thinking I could get away with this on the 91 freeway during rush hour.

I did make it home, but I could not sit down for the last few miles of the trip because sitting down put too much pressure on Mr. Bladder.  I found that if I hovered above my seat it helped alleviate some of my discomfort.

When I did make it home all three kids came running to give me a hug, but I pushed them away from me, literally.  Like bowling pins, the kids fell down and I yelled, "Sorry," as I ran down the hallway.  Nicholas (22 months) cried so I had to give him some extra loves, but Jonathan and Kayley found it funny that Dad-ttrix had to pee so bad.
.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Here I am striking a super, sexy pose at Legoland.  I saw Mrs. Mattrix about to take a picture so I quickly gave the camera 10-cc's of Mattrix.  The camera loves me!

(Click to enlarge)
Sexy Pose
.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Are They Christmas Shopping?

Dear Diary,

I've noticed that for the last few weeks there is a SUV in the parking structure with a bunch of guys forming a line nearby.  I've been trying to figure out what they are doing there, but with no luck.

All I can think of is the lady that drives the SUV is selling jewelry (e.g., Cookie Lee) or something else, and the guys in line are Christmas shopping for their Moms or girlfriends.

I tried to take a picture when I drove by one day, but I only managed to get a shot of the license plate.  What's your theory Diary?

(Click to enlarge)
License Plate
.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ate Like a King

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I told you I was eating lunch at Maggiano's restaurant in Costa Mesa for our department's Christmas party.  Like I told you I would, I showed my co-workers that I like food.  Here's what I ate.

Appetizers

  • Mozzarella Marinara
  • Calamari Fritte
Salad
  • Caesar
Pasta
  • Fettucine Alfredo, Broccoli
Meat & Seafood
  • Chicken Saltimbocca
  • Chicken Piccata
Baked Specialties
  • Four Cheese Ravioli
Dessert
  • Cup of cappuccino
  • Tiramisu
  • Creme Brulee
Sono stato farcito come un grasso di maiale.
(Translated: I was stuffed like a fat pig.)
.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Department Lunch

Dear Diary,

Today we are having a "Christmas party."  I put party in quotes because it is more like lunch out together as a small department.  We have reservations for eight at Maggiano's in Costa Mesa.

I'm trying to think of something fun to do while we are there.  This will be my first social outing with my department since I began working for [...BEEP...].  Do you have any ideas?  My only idea, for now, is to demonstrate how much food I can eat.  That was always a fun one at bankrupt [...BEEP...]; we would try to out do each other by ordering enormous steaks.
.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Intra Entry: What I Like About [...BEEP...]

Dear Diary,

Here's what I like about working at [...BEEP...] versus bankrupt [...BEEP...].  Besides, of course, the bankrupt part.

ICE.

[...BEEP's...] freezer makes ice for us that tastes good.
.

Episode V: Secretary Strikes Back

Dear Diary,

Do you remember this entry?  My boss' secretary wanted us all to chip in and spend $10 on a flower arrangement for National Boss Day.

She strikes again, but it is for a Christmas gift this time.  Below is her e-mail:

Its that time
Our Christmas Luncheon is around the corner and each year we get together and contribute on a gift for [Boss] – I got some ideas from Sarah ([Boss's] daughter) for a couple of presents that [Boss] would like (ice cream maker and a nice basket for logs for the fireplace). [Co-worker] and I can go out on Monday and pick it up. Is that ok [Co-worker]? Is $25 from everyone ok? Thank you!

She is still using the "here-is-what-we're-doing-but-I'll-ask-if-its-okay" sentences.  Originally, I was not going to contribute to this gift, but the fragment sentence without punctuation and a smiley face changed my mind.
.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Attention Batman fans.  Are you as excited as I am?
.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Intra Entry: Burrito Update

Dear Diary,

Re: A Burrito is On the Line.

I'm totally bumming today.  I lost the bet.

[...BEEP...], almost all day, was down between seven and eight percent.  Then, in the afternoon, the stock began to rally as did my hopes.

The stock ended closing down 2.19%.  I lost by 19 basis points and now I have to pony up a burrito.  We were so close Diary.
.

FW: Amazing Story

Dear Diary,

This is an amazing elephant story.  Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me, but this one is truly interesting.

Mark and his elephant friendIn 1986, Mike Walsh was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.  He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Tommy were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.  The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing several times, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

A Burrito is on the Line

Dear Diary,

A certain billionaire on November 19th bought 6.8% of [...BEEP'S...] stock.  Yesterday I read that he sold 1.9% of that stock bringing his holdings down to 4.9%, which, coincidently (or not), is just below the SEC's 5% disclosure requirement (highlighted in yellow).

When I first read about the 6.8% purchase, immediately I thought take-over.  But now with the divesture of about 1.9% of the stock I can't figure out what he's doing.  Originally he was going to buy Fremont General, but backed out recently.

"CHESTer" and I, for about an hour tried to figure out what he's doing.  I'm skeptical and think he's barely below the 5% filing requirement (at 4.9%) on purpose.  So I bet "CHESTer" a Del Taco burrito that [...BEEP's...] stock would be up 2%+ today.  He thought the opposite.  He thought the stock would be down 2%+.

At 8:19 AM this morning I'm losing.  [...BEEP...] is down 7.69%.  I'm glad I only bet a burrito.  I need your support Diary, be my cheerleader and root for the stock to rally today.
.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

You Got Served

Dear Diary,

"You're just mad... 'cause tonight you suckas got served!"

Somebody got pwned[?] by the Wall Street Journal yesterday.  Recognize any of the names listed?
.

Monday, December 3, 2007

I'm an Electricianalyst

Dear Diary,

Did you know that in addition to being a world-famous analyst.  Mattrix is also a certified electrician?  World-famous analyst, yes.  Electrician, not really, but, apparently, "CCL" thinks that I am.  "CCL" does not like how cold it gets in our office suite so I told her to buy a small heater like "Firestarter."

That was Thursday.  On Friday she came back to me and said (still whispering, mind you), "I bought a heater.  Will you help me plug it in?"  That seemed odd to me, but then I thought maybe she has some joint problem preventing her ability to bend down.  I told her okay, but she stopped me and said, "No, I can plug it in, I just don't know where."

Okay, now that is really odd to me.  I showed her the surge protector she had and also a spare outlet.  I told her to pick one and to plug it in.  Still hesitating, she asked me to look with her.  Now "CCL" is on all fours and I'm squatting next to her looking at a socket.  I pointed and said, "plug it in here."  Her response, "Oh perfect.  I'm not an electrician and I'd hate to break something."

I never thought that suggesting to someone they get a heater would be so much work for me.  Next time, if she asks for help, I'll show some "plumber's crack" in hopes it'll make her think twice about asking me for electrical assistance.
.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

I'm totally digging this music video right now.  Happy Friday!  Oh, and here's a tip for driving in the rain today.

The faster you drive the sooner you can get home and be off the road.  It's dangerous out there.  Be careful and get home as fast as you can.



.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Power Tie

Dear Diary,

Spongebob Tie
(Click to Enlarge)

Today I'm wearing my power tie.  This'll definitely make me a high power executive one day.  Also, I'm wearing Christmas-themed Spongebob Squarepants boxers.

No, I'm not going to show you.  If you show me yours, then I'll show you mine.
.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Intra Entry: Too Much?

Dear Diary,

Plenty of Food
(Click to enlarge)

I'm back from Costco.  Look at all the great stuff I got.  If I ever get trapped inside my office I'll have plenty of food to survive for a month.
.

Do You Hear Something?

Dear Diary,

When you walk through the main entrance to [...BEEP...] you are greeted by a beautiful atrium with ceilings reaching the third floor.  Greenery (i.e., trees, shrubs, etc.) are everywhere.  Marble floors transition into two large waterfalls, which cascade down to a parking structure on the lower level.

With Christmas approaching, the atrium has been decorated with lights and other ornaments.  The security guard console is also decorated with lights, and they took things one step further.  They have classical Christmas music playing over two small speakers.

It's lovely to listen to, but it's also awkward laying my head on the desk so I can hear the music.  You see, the two waterfalls are loud and the atrium echoes continually with noises of water; making it difficult to hear the music clearly.

It's funny, when I'm not listening to the music with my head on the desk, to watch people look around trying to figure out if they hear music playing.  It keeps me entertained when I need a break from work.  In fact, I think I'll go now...

See you later, Diary.
.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Intra Entry: "Firestarter"

Dear Diary,

How surprised would you be if I told you "Firestarter" corrected me again in front of people about something trivial and irrelevant to the conversation?  Not very, huh?

SERRENITY NOW...SERRENITY now...serrenity now...I'm calm now.
.

Sad Leftovers

Dear Diary,

Now this is sad.  Someone brought frozen Turkey sausage patties as Thanksgiving leftovers to [...BEEP...].

C'mon people.  Let's not resort to this.  That's fake, nasty, gross and down right wrong.

P.S. That's Mattrix's hot, sexy thumb in the photo if you were wondering.  Grrr.

11-26-07_1220.jpg

.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Intra Entry: Kids Sick

Dear Diary,

RE: Out Sick.

1) Jonathan had a bad ear infection and a molar pushing through his gums.
2) Kayley was throwing up and had the trots.
3) Nicholas did not have an ear infection like we thought, but he still had a bad head cold.

What a Wednesday.  I cancelled Thanksgiving in Fresno, but Mrs. Mattrix-in-Law was sad and said to come anyway.  Besides Kayley being on the couch dead all weekend we had a good time.  The boys were full of meds and put on a great "We're not sick" peformance.
.

A La Michael Scott

Dear Diary,

I was in a meeting this morning and we were talking about delinquencies, foreclosures, yaddi yaddi yaddda.  And then, all of a sudden, I find myself choking, nearly dying from trying not to laugh and spit coffee out of my mouth.

I don't remember who said it or for what reason, but someone said, "That's what she said," and I nearly lost it.  I've never heard those words spoken in a meeting before today.  I am a fan of The Office and that phrase has forever changed me.

What a great way to start the Monday after Thanksgiving.  Thank you Michael Scott.
.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Out Sick

Dear Diary,

I won't be in today.  I have three sick children and one broken water heater.  I'm hoping this doesn't blow our plans to go to Fresno for Thanksgiving.  Stay tuned....

Smurfs_Picture_Sick_Smurf

.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Intra Entry: Color Choices


Intra Entry: Color Choices
Originally uploaded by mattrix19

I'm not feeling very confident in my color coordination choices today.

Will Work for Gas

Dear Diary,

Sorry I'm late.  I had car trouble this morning on the freeway.  For the first time in my 15-year driving career, I ran out of gas.  Fortunately, I managed to drop off "CB Ty" before it happened.  Two minutes after that, on the freeway, I felt the engine shake and poof, I was stuck.

I sat in denial for a few minutes on the side of the freeway next to a call box.  I didn't get out right away to call for help because I was too embarrassed to explain why I was calling.

The most embarrassing part, though, was having to call work and explain why I was going to be late.  "Wall Knocker" made sure I felt embarrassed; he was laughing hard.

On the bright side, I managed to stay busy while I was waiting for the Freeway Service Patrol.  I collected some nice pieces of firewood.  So I got that going for me, which is nice.

[CLICK x1][?]

Embarrassing Moment Counter Total: 4
.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

When "Peet's Matt" Met "CCL"

Dear Diary,

I heard that "Peet's Matt" showed up yesterday afternoon.  Would you like to hear what happened?

"CCL" moved in late during the morning and I did not get a chance to chat with her until after lunch, hence "Peet's Matt" showed up.  "CCL" not wanting to disturb how quiet we are on our side, literally whispered every time she talked to someone.

Finding that very amusing, I had fun with "CCL's" whispering.  Imagine "CCL" whispering and then, when I spoke, "Peet's Matt" shouting.  It was so hard to keep a straight face.  Here's a snippet of our conversation.

"CCL" [Whispering]: It's nice over here.  I like how quiet it is.  I don't want to be too much of a disturbance, hopefully you guys won't notice me.

"Peet's Matt" [Shouting]: Don't worry, you won't bother us.  We are quiet over here, but we don't mind a little noise now and then.

"Peet's Matt" is so unpredictable.  I don't know what Peet's puts in their coffee, but that super-caffeinated coffee really gets me going.  I also think it turns off my "what-not-to-say-and-do" filter.
.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Intra Entry: Peet's Matt Says Hello

Dear Diary,

Hello Diary.  It's "Peet's Matt."  I've given Mattrix the rest of the day off.  I'll be driving the ship for the remainder of the afternoon.  First.  Where is this "CCL" lady.  I need to give her a "Peet's Matt" hello.

I feel the urge to imitate people...trying...not...to be...Johnny H.
.

Heidi the "CFO" Reincarnated

Dear Diary,

Bad news.  The empty cubicle outside my office is no more.  Someone will be moving in today and I am sad to report it's not good.  "CCL" (pronounced: Cecil) is going to be sitting there.  "CCL" stands for "Crazy Coffee Lady."

Once again [...BEEP...] puts the freak show stars in important jobs; "CCL" works for quality control's documentation group.  Oh great!  So the woman that is obsessed with hair dye and reads In Touch magazine every day gets to sit outside my office.

I suppose you want to know where the nickname came from.  I first met "CCL" in the kitchen months ago when I started working for [...BEEP...].  I was making coffee and moved a large pot of coffee to the counter with one hand.  She saw me and said, "Wow, you must be strong to do that with on hand."  I looked at her and said, "Not really, I'm using the handle."

Another time, I was washing my star ice cubes and she was making the coffee that morning.  To get to the coffee brewer she had to go around me.  She said, "Don't mind me I'm going behind you to make coffee."  I was fine with that, but then she did a little dance and spun around as she walked behind me and said, "Look at us!  We're dancin'."

That's when I knew that this lady was crazy.  I'm going to try to be positive about this.  By her sitting outside my office I think I might be able to get some great Dear Diary material.  Currently, I equate "CCL" to the original crazy lady that started this Diary; Heidi the "CFO".  And for the 11th Floor-ees that knew Heidi, they know that she was a cornucopia of diary entries.
.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It Used to be a Small World

Dear Diary,

Did you enjoy the music video I put up for you?  Hopefully that kept you entertained during the weekend.  The Mattrix family had a fun time at Legoland.  I was able to get some cool Spongebob Squarepants Lego magnets.  And if you know me, I love me some Spongebob.

I drove into work this morning with "CB Ty."  That stands for "Carpool Buddy Ty."  He mentioned that Disneyland shut down the ride "It's a Small World" because it is undergoing "renovations."  I put renovations in quotes because the L.A. Times has an article saying that the real reason its shut down is because, on average, American men and women are 25 pounds heavier today than they were in 1960s.

That's absurd.  I'm totally on Disney's side.  They need extra time to take down the Christmas lights they put up each year, and the ride needs a little maintenance.

[DING!]

Oh, gotta go.  My cinnamon rolls are done heating in the microwave.
.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

While the Mattrix family is at Legoland you can enjoy this music video mashup.  This mashup is of Tron and Depeche Mode from Justin Alt.  It is both futuristic and nostalgic.  Enjoy.


(Can't see the video?  Click here.)

.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Intra Entry: Cat Nap

Dear Diary,

A funny thing just happened.  I tried to go take a cat nap in my car.  I spent a minute looking for my keys and then I said outloud (no joke): "Oh man, I forgot my keys.  How am I going to get home?"

Uh, duh, Mattrix... you didn't drive today.  What a total "stupid moment of the day" that was.  I feel like a goober.
.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Make up Your Mind for "Peet's Matt" Sake

Dear Diary,

I don't get it.  What do females want?  Right when I think I'm doing my job the way my boss wants, she switches things up on me.  Is it because I'm a bad employee and I'm walking around with my calculator up my you-know-what?  Or is it because I work for a female and she can't make up her mind?  It's got to be one of the two and I need to figure out which it is.  Because if I don't, "Peet's Matt" will show up one day and solve the problem in a not-so-professional manner.

My job at [...BEEP...] is to spit out a bunch of reports about our mortgage portfolio.  I don't like the format of a lot of the existing reports so I've begun trying to change the format.  Recently, I tried to make a PowerPoint presentation and my boss shot it down like a helpless duck flying over a pond.

She said she didn't like it because the slides do not allow room for enough information.  She's been working at [...BEEP...] for 17 years and I have been here a whopping 5 months.  So I took her advice and went back to my "information overload" format.

Today, I get an e-mail that says, "These are great reports.  Can you prepare similar charts for us?"  I open the attachment and what do I see?  A presentation by Washington Mutual that is basically a PowerPoint presentation.  What!?!  But, but, but didn't you say...?

Aw, forget it.
.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Intra Entry: "Firestarter" vs. Mattrix

Dear Diary,

I just verbally yelled at "Firestarter."  She pointed out a mistake I made, I tried to admit she was right and explain what I did wrong.  But she kept driving the nail into my hand trying to crucify me even more.

She was not giving me a chance to explain what I did wrong; and I lost it...in a professional manner though.  I have to admit, it felt good.
.

Blue Flame

Dear Diary,

Click for the definition of 'Blue Flame.'Before I get started I would like to state the obvious.  The embarrassing moment I am about to share with you has probably happened to others.  We're all human and we all have, uh-hum, gas.

Part of my lower-the-cholesterol/help-the-pocket-book plan includes eating oatmeal, raisins and dried apricots for lunch at work.  It's not an elegant meal, but it fills me up until dinner time.  Unfortunately, there are side effects as evidenced by this entry.  You could probably call me Big Brother's version of "Chicken George" at [...BEEP...][?].

Last week I ate my meal and an hour or so later I needed to go to the restroom to relieve some "pressure."  I was about to leave when two co-workers cornered me in my office to talk about something.

In my head I say, "Oh crap, this is not good."  I go back to sit on my chair hoping that, if needed, I can muffle the "pressure" with the seat of the chair.  Not much later I realize that the "pressure" was not going to be as the saying goes: "silent, but violent."  This thing was going to come out: "loud and proud."

Sitting down wasn't going to work, so I resorted to standing up.  My new logic was that if I stood up and swayed back and forth I could disorient the "pressure" and it would not be able to find its exit route.  Noticing that my co-workers were looking at me funny, I said, "Sorry, I'm listening, but I'm also waiting for this report to finish running."  We all know, Diary, that this is a lie; and, most likely, they did too because it was obvious I was not running a report.  My e-mail program, Outlook, was open on the screen.

RainManSo, I'm swaying back and forth like Raymond from Rain Main.  And in my head I'm saying, "Uh oh, uh oh.  Definitely have gas.  Yeah, I definitely have gas."

Realizing that I am about to lose this internal battle between me and the "pressure."  I resort to a "conversation killer."  I don't remember what I said, but it worked.  I managed to end the conversation, waited 'til they left my office and then ran out of the door and down the hall.  I'm certain they saw me and because of that (and the swaying) I am clicking the Embarrassing Moment Counter.

[CLICK x1][?]

Embarrassing Moment Counter Total: 3

.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

This is one of the coolest guns in the world.  I wonder if I could find one of these at Costco.


(Can't see the video?  Click here.)
.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Post Halloween Commentary

Dear Diary,

Good morning.  I hope you had a fun time last night.  You looked like you did.  I thought you looked great in the costume I put you in, the Indianapolis Colts' playbook.  I know that has always been a dream of yours; to be a playbook for a professional sports team.

This morning I thought it would be fun to provide some post Halloween commentary.

Mattrix & Family

  • Jonathan (6 yrs.) was a clone trooper
  • Kayley (4 yrs.) was Cinderella, and
  • Nicholas (19 mos.) was the stereotypical toddler pumpkin.
Nicholas was fun to watch because it took us two months to get him used to the costume.  When we first bought it and put it on, he screamed bloody murder every time.  After shock therapy and some fishy crackers we finally got him to wear the pumpkin costume for Halloween.

Dear Diary Friends
General Commentary
And now for some general commentary about society.  I noticed four things and would like to share them with you.
  • To the "sexy" Little Red Riding Hoods: You weren't sexy.

    Yesterday, someone at [...BEEP...][?] was dressed as a "sexy" little red riding hood and probably should not have been.  Listen.  I'll be one of the first to admit that I'm no sexy beast and so, for that reason, you'll never see me dressed as "Pablo" the sexy cabana boy in a Speedo.

    The rule that applies to wearing spandex also applies to wearing sexy Halloween costumes .  "Wearing spandex is a privilege, not a right."


  • To the fashion challenged: Learn how to dress.

    Were you wearing a costume last night?  If I have to think about it, then you did something wrong.  It should be obvious that you are wearing a costume.  Wearing all black and painting your face ghostly white is not a costume.  It's called being Goth.


  • To "clean cut" man: Well done.

    Now, let's see if you can keep that up for the other 364 days of the year.  The one day you decide to shower and shave should not be the same day as Halloween.  Showering and shaving is not a costume, it's called hygiene.


  • Lastly, to "Dog Lady": Stop it!

    It's a dog, not a person.  You were so worried about dressing your dog you forgot to put on your costume.  The dog has no idea he's wearing a costume and I'm pretty sure he does not enjoy wearing it.  All he's worried about is: how am I going to be able to lick myself with these stupid sun glasses on.


.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

"Firestarter" Got Owned

Dear Diary,

"Firestarter" just got owned.  It was awesome!

[...BEEP...][?] was trying to file it's 10-Q with the SEC last night, but couldn't because accounting could not tie out two numbers our department provided.  I'm responsible for one number and "Firestarter" is responsible for another.  Here's the e-mail I got from "Firestarter" this morning:

[Boss' name] asked me to ask you to please send the Projected Recast report for back up?   (Make sure it ties to the numbers in question first.)  Thanks!
Please note, Diary, the "please make sure it ties" sentence.  For one, why would I send bad numbers to the Chief Financial Officer?  Answer: I wouldn't.   For two, why are you telling me this?  Answer: Because you love drama.  And for three... well, I don't have a third one.  But you get the idea.

Any ways, back to the story.  I sent my number, it ties out, and I am off the hook.  A few minutes later "Firestarter" sent her e-mail and look what happens next.  This e-mail is from a big shot in accounting.
The report seems to say $2 million when our 10-Q says $7 million on page 35?

We need to resolve this this morning.
Interesting!  Somebody didn't tie her number out before sending it.  Practice what you preach sister!  Boo-yah-ka.

.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Trick or Treat?

Dear Diary,

I've decided that I would like to play a trick on someone in my department for Halloween tomorrow.  I'm thinking that "Wall Knocker" would be an easy target.  He's young, gullible and English is his second language; a trifecta for the perfect person to be tricked.

I have a few ideas:

1) Flip his computer monitor.  Pushing [Ctrl]+[Alt]+[an Arrow Key] will flip the image on his monitor in the direction of the arrow you click.

2) I have an Excel macro that, when opened, will reverse all of the menu commands.   For example, "File" would look like "eliF."  Even better, is when he clicks on a menu command all of the items within the menu will be reversed too.

3) Send him one of this typical scare videos.  You know, the ones where they get you to watch the monitor real close and then... BAM! ... something jumps out and scares you.

Can you think of any other ideas?
.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Intra Entry: Nicholas was Dead Tired

Dear Diary,

This is totally unrelated to [...BEEP...], but I think you should look anyway.

Here is a picture of Nicholas (19 months) after Disneyland on Friday night.  It was 10:30pm and he did not budge when I changed his clothes and diapers.

Tell me Diary, how can you still be mad at this cute, little guy for tearing one of your pages?
.

It's Yiddish for Matthew

Dear Diary,

Follow up to Friday's post.

I realized this weekend that one of my suspects was "Matisyahu" and you do not know who that is yet.  "Matisyahu" is this guy that walks around the floor with headphones on 24/7.  Yeap.  Even when he goes to the restroom he leaves the headphones on.  I call this guy "Matisyahu" for two reasons.  First, he looks like the real Matisyahu, whom is a member of the chassidic group of Judaism.  And second, being that the real Matisyahu is a reggae music artist and "Matisyahu" always has headphones; it seemed like a good fit.

I own this album and it is really good.  Scroll down a bit and you can click to listen to samples of the songs.

Any ways, back to "Matisyahu."  So this guy everywhere he goes has headphones on.  The kitchen, the restroom, making copies, talking to people, everywhere!  I'm dying to figure out what he is listening to.  Sometimes I'll stand uncomfortably close to him in the kitchen trying to get a hint about what he's listening to.  There is a ton of counter space in our kitchen, so I wonder what he thinks of me when I decide to prepare my coffee inches from his.
.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Where's my Coffee Cup?

Dear Diary,

I had a very bad scare this morning.  Something tragic happened that could have scarred me for the rest of my life (well, maybe).  I could not find my coffee cup this morning and the fear of not being able to have coffee was horrendously difficult for me to comprehend.

Instantly, I began cursing the names of all the potential suspects.

  • "Firestarter"
  • "Wall Knocker"
  • "Matisyahu"
  • Perhaps even, the graveyard shift crew of "Janitorial Engineers."
After scouring the kitchen, though, I eventually located my coffee up.  It was in the freezer.  What made me think of looking in the freezer?  I was desperate Diary; I needed to have a cup of coffee. And, it turned out to be a good decision because I found my cup.

In hindsight, I have no idea what I was doing/thinking that caused me to leave it in the freezer.  Perhaps subconsciously I thought that since beer mugs were chilled and that seems to be good; why not coffee cups too?  The problem with that theory, though, is that coffee is, most of the time, served piping hot.

.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

User Error

Dear Diary,

I have established myself as an accomplished computer user.  Over the months, I have shown that I can write SQL script, make super snazzy reports and even debug problems that others can't.  Because of all this, my opinion, related to computers, is taken at face value by others in the department.

During a meeting this morning I played a practical joke on my boss.  She was complaining about a report I produced and how it was not formatted well for printing.  I tried explaining that reports can get changed when opened on other computers because they have different settings.

She looked like she did not like that answer, so I jumped in with my joke.  I said, "Well, maybe it was an Id-10-T printing error."  She shook her head, indicating she agreed.

The funny thing is that there is no such thing as an "Id-10-T printing error".  Look at what the error spells, Diary...Id-10-T spells IDIOT.  Ha-ha-ha.

It was really hard for me to maintain my composure.  Hopefully my comment won't come back to bite me in my motherboard.
.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

No Entry

Dear Diary,

There'll be no entry today.  My boss is in a bad mood and is lashing out at everyone.  I should be on my best behavior and look like I'm working on a report.

I'll give you a teaser though.  I have another embarrasing moment story to tell you.  I think that'll increase my "Embarrassing Moment" counter up to three.
.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Call me Confused

Dear Diary,

The fires are still burning and the air still smells of dust, smoke and ash.  It's amazing how wildfires can get out of control and take out virtually anything that is in its path.  Especially when the Santa Ana Winds are blowing.

While it's not appropriate to laugh about the wildfires and the destruction it has caused, I do find the people talking about the wildfires funny.  So I am going to laugh at them instead.  Particularly, people that smoke cigarettes.

I find it very funny and ironic that the smokers at [...BEEP...], whom are going outside to smoke, are complaining about the ash and air quality.  After their smoke breaks they come back inside the building and say, "Can you believe all the smoke and ash in the air?  I can hardly breathe."

What!?!  Do you not hear what you're saying?  Where do you think you just came back from?  A trip to the oxygen bar?  When you smoke a cigarette aren't you purposefully lighting something on fire and then inhaling the smoke, ash and toxins?

Call me confused, but I would think that of all people, cigarette smokers would be fine with this.  They should be grateful that they are getting a free hit from Mother Nature.
.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Intra Entry: McDonald's Monopoly

Dear Diary,

I'm still hooked on the McDonald's Monopoly game.  I won another free breakfast sandwich this morning.  Score!

.

Caution: Winds Ahead

Dear Diary,

So that was a very windy night wasn't it?  Very scary at my house.

I was sitting on my porch watching a tree sway back and forth for about 15 minutes.  I left to go finish watching the NFL football game Sunday night.  Then, all of a sudden, I hear Mrs. Mattrix shouting, "Uh oh!  The tree fell."



Poor tree.  It was 30+ years old, 40 feet tall and was solid as a rock.  I've never seen it sway before, at the base of the trunk.  Last night, however, with 60mph wind gusts was just too much.

I'm just grateful this did not fall on my cars.  They're parked about 10 feet away to the right.  On the bright side, I've got a lot of firewood coming my way.
.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Happy Friday!  What are you doing this weekend?  I bought a Batman suit, modified it a bit, and I'm going B.A.S.E. jumping.  Below is a clip of what I'll be doing.


(Don't see the video?  Click here.)

.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Intra Entry: Dilbert

Dear Diary,

I can, with 100% certainty, sympathize with Dilbert today.

Dilbert 18Oct07

.

McDonald's Monopoly

Dear Diary,

Where are your pages reserved for confessions?  I need to confess that I have an addiction to McDonald's Monopoly game.  I don't know why, but I am obsessed and convinced that I can win this game; despite the fact that the odds are against me.

I did not realize I had a problem until yesterday.

Diary: What happened, my son that made you realize you had a problem?

I was looking in trash cans at McDonald's looking for game pieces that people had thrown away.

Diary: Nasty!  I mean...go on, my son.

In my defense, the cup I found was on the top of the trash.  It had two game pieces on it and one of them was an instant win.  I've got a free breakfast sandwich coming my way.

Diary: Congratulations, but you still went digging through the trash.

Well, yes I did, but I would like to refer you to episode 92 of Seinfeld, "The Gymnast."  The particular scene I am referring to is George telling Jerry how he was caught eating an ├ęclair discarded by his girlfriend's mother.  My argument is the same as George's.  The ├ęclair (in my case, the cup) was on top of the trash, and not buried in the trash.

Diary: Did your hand go inside the trash can?

Yes, but barely.

Diary: Doesn't matter.  Your hand went in the trash can.  Therefore, I never want you to touch me again unless you wash your hands first.  Who knows what else you've touched before you write your entries.

Oh, c'mon, man!  Whose side are you on?  I thought we were tight?

Diary: We were tight, until I found out you were a dumpster diving dork looking for game pieces to a stupid game that you'll never win.

[Says, Whiling Running Away and Crying]
You know, Diary, sometimes your words can be very hurtful.
.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

dd2go: Wannabe

Dear Diary (to go),

Homeboy here is a wannabe.  Just because you staple a tailfin on to the back of your trunk it does not mean you are a race car driver.

Wake up... you're driving a Honda Accord.

Peace,
GeriMattrix

10-16-07_1642.jpg
.

Traffic School

Dear Diary,

Last night I completed my required eight hours of traffic school.  Do you remember why I had to go to traffic school, Diary?  Oh c'mon.  You have no clue?  Gee, thanks for caring.  I hope I don't put you out too much with all this stuff I write about.

Shut up!  You're a diary.  You're supposed to keep track of this kind of stuff.

Anyways...I need to move on.  I had to go to traffic school because I got a speeding ticket back in June.  I was doing 87 MPH in a 65 MPH zone; which, it turns out, is a tad bit faster than I am supposed to go.

So yeah, traffic school sucks.  I told Mrs. Mattrix that I would rather have the point on my record than be associated with some of the people that were in the class.  Here are the top three moments.

Traffic School Top 3 HighLowlights

1) My "school" was at the Chino Motel.  I swear I could feel diseases crawling all over me trying to infect me with whatever it is they were.

2) My "professor" was an obese lady whom would say "good morning" to everyone that walked into the classroom.  The thing is, is that the class was held at night.  It was pitch black outstide and she would still say, "good morning."  Even funnier than that was that people would reply back to her with, "good morning."

3) A couple of times we talked about stuff that could (or could not) be in your car.  More than once the "professor" said "I've got junk in my trunk;" which I could not help from laughing at every time because, you see, she was obese.

Conclusion
I have never been to traffic school before, but I was 100% disappointed.  Are we supposed to learn something at these things?  And are we supposed to take tests at the end of it?  We did none of that...we didn't learn, and we didn't take a test.

I'm probably stupid for saying this, but I'm going to call the "school" and DMV to complain.  Taking traffic school online is prohibited now, but I know that I could have learned more from an online course than from what I had to sit through for eight hours.
.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Too Stressed Out to Write

Message

Dear Diary,
 
I am too stressed out to write.  Read my Twitter posts (from earlier this morning) to see why.
 
 
I'll write tomorrow.  I'll share with you how my traffic school went.
 

Friday, October 12, 2007

Intra Entry: Is it me?

Dear Diary,

Is it me?  Am I the one that is being cranky because it's an e-mail from "Firestarter?"  Am I justified for feeling irritated by her e-mail?

I asked "Firestarter" for some numbers to put in a memo I was writing.  Here's my e-mail in response to the numbers she sent:

For the Option ARMs...

Mar-06 = 489,900
Jun-06 = 157,322

That is a large drop in balance.  Is that accurate?

Then she writes back:
Those aren't balances, they are originations for each month.  They are accurate.

Um, yes they are balances!  They are balances at loan origination.  It irritates me so much that she is like that.  Where does she get this attitude from?  Her constant chain-smoking?  All I wanted was a confirmation of the drop in dollar amounts.  Not a lecture in terminology.

She was an IT major in college.  Her title is Junior Analyst and she has been in the mortgage industry for about 2.5 years.  I was a Finance major in college.  My title is Senior Analyst and I have been in the mortgage industry for about 10 years.

I show respect to my seniors (within the company).  Where's my respect from her?  I know what I'm talking about "Firestarter."

.

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

I feel like eating Wendy's today for some reason.  Do you want to go with me?

.

Dear diary to go, why...

Dear diary to go, why is traffic not moving, I am stuck, move, no one is moving diary, I can't take it.
Click here to listen

Powered by Jott

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Intra Entry: McDonald's Ad

Dear Diary,

McDonald's claims in their ads that they have fresh-cracked eggs in their breakfast sandwiches.  I'm writing to let you know that it is true.  This morning I ate a "Sausage McMuffin with Egg (and Egg Shells)."  It was crunchy, but it still tasted good.
.

Flowers for National Boss Day

Dear Diary,

Update from an earlier entry: "National Boss Day."

In the words of the great George Costanza: "You know, we're living in a society!  We're supposed to act in a civilized way."

I can not believe people do stuff like this.  Read this e-mail:

I ordered a flower arrangement from Chris Lindsay Designs

Total: $120.47 on my card.

$17.21 ea. Please (went over the $10 ea.) hope that was ok.. Payday is fine… J

Will be delivered on Bosses Day the 16th !

I'm furious.  In the first place, I did not want to participate in this.  I am not a fan of Hallmark-invented holidays.  Second, I agreed to $10.  Not $11, not $12; and most certainly not 17 freaking 21!

It infuriates me even more that she adds, "hope that was ok."  No, it's not okay.  And here's what sucks, Diary.  If I give her $10 instead of $17.21 then I look like a cheap jerk for not participating.

I am going to pay her with rolls of pennies and tell her to stick them where the flowers won't grow.

WHERE'S MY PEET'S COFFEE!!!
.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

We've Fallen And Can't Get Up

Dear Diary,

Call Lifeline!  [...BEEP...] has fallen and can't get up.  We're bleeding profusely over here.

If I take a 50 percent salary pay cut, I could probably help reduce the loss from $23M to $20M.  I just might do that for the sake of the team.
.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Stick Bug

Dear Diary,

Stick Bug "Stick Bug" is "QC Ted's" manager.  She complains, quite frequently, about how cold she is and so, she has to drink, quote: "really hot coffee to stay warm."

Being the 6 foot 2 inch fly on the wall, I look over at her and realize that this woman must be so cold that her brain has hypothermia.  "Stick Bug" is dressed like she's ready for that Labor Day heat wave we had this year to come back.  She's in a short-sleeved shirt, has a jean skirt on, and is wearing Roxy flip-flops.

I'm no Gap store manager, but shouldn't she be dressing for fall instead of summer?  Seriously, Diary, she is a 5-foot tall woman that looks like a stick bug.  She has no meat or anything on her.  She's skinnier than Courtney from this season's Survivor (Season 15).

If you are cold, then put some clothes on and/or gain lots of weight.  But stop telling every person that comes into the kitchen how tough life is as a stick bug.
.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Shame on Labor Unions

Dear Diary,

From a 30,000-foot view, I agree with the concept of labor unions.  The agendas they have fought for in the past (e.g., wages, working conditions, employee rights, etc.) have greatly improved the quality of life for many individuals.

Labor unions in history... good.  Labor unions today... bad.

In South Orange County, CA we have these labor unions that "protest" by hiring sad-looking people to stand outside a business' building with signs that read:

Labor Dispute.  Shame on [...BEEP...][?].

The signs are so common around here, I believe most people pay no attention to them.  I, on the other hand, have a curse of noticing small things like this, and I can not stand these "sad-looking" people anymore.

Why are they standing there all day?  I know they are not members of the union.  For example, some 11th Floor-ees[?] and I once saw three college girls holding the sign up while they were studying.

And another thing.  Do those people think they are going to get paid?  Let's think about it.  The union is protesting because they did not get hired to build/move cubicles.  So that means the union is not making money.  How do they expect to get paid?

Babu Bhatt Babu Bhatt (and Mattrix) think that Labor Unions are "very, very bad men" (wagging his finger).
.

Friday, October 5, 2007

National Boss Day

Dear Diary,

I got this e-mail this morning from my boss' secretary.

Just an FYI:

Good morning. National Boss Day this year is on Tuesday 10/16/07. Would be nice to get [BOSS' NAME] some flowers for that day.. Anyone want to contribute? $10 ea.? I can order them on my card and you can just give me the $. Ok?

Not only is this e-mail riddled with grammatical errors, it is also inundated with abbreviations.  Good grief, lady!

If you want me to give you money for something that is going to wilt and die in one day then at least have the courtesy to send a well-written e-mail.

Additionally, 10 dollars from each of us will mean she's getting a $100 - $120 flower arrangement.  For that kind of money, I want to see flowers that flash neon text saying: "Happy National Boss Day."
.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Intra Entry: Delinquencies Are Up

Message

Dear Diary,
 
My boss called this morning in a panic because our delinquencies are up.  Well, duh, I thought.  What do you think has been happening for the last six months?  Why do you think I work for you and not bankrupt [...BEEP...] anymore?
 

Intra Entry: Sputnik

Dear Diary,

Did you pay your respects to Sputnik today?  It's his 50th birthday.

Happy birthday Sputnik.   Way to orbit the Earth on an elliptical path for about 98 minutes.

.

Cubicle Decorations

Dear Diary,

Decorating cubicle (and office) walls are a great way to show others who you are and what interests you.  For example, to the right you can see a picture of my computer monitor.  Based on this, you would gather that I like cartoons.

"QC Ted's" neighbor, has decorations on her cubicle wall and I can not for the life of me figure out what they mean.  I've been here just over four months now and I don't have an answer.  That's why I'm writing to you today.  What do you think this person is trying to us?

This picture shows a gigantic horse trying to crush another horse with its giant horse shoe.
IMG_1165

This next picture I have no clue.  I don't see how any of these things tie together.  What's up with the My Little Pony?
834269727_0f0044387f_b
.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Mommy's At Work

Dear Diary,

Being a Dad of three (soon to be four), I understand how a parent, when not around children, continues to use "baby talk."  For instance, I know for a fact that there are Mom's working on my floor at [...BEEP...].  How can I be so certain you ask?  Easy, all I have to do is listen to women talk to each other, and listen for keywords.

The best, and what makes me laugh the most, is when one woman asks another woman to help her with something.  The conversation goes something like this (keywords are highlighted in bold):

Mom #1: Can you help me review this loan file?
Mom #2: Sure, right after I go potty.

Mom #1: Okay, thanks.  You know what?  I think I'll go pee pee too.

End scene.

That is one of my all-time favorites so far.  I am not making this up.  It was hi-lar-ious.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

dd2go: World's Ugliest Tree

Dear Diary (to go),

I'm going to step out on a limb and say that this has to be one of the world's ugliest tree.

IMG_1169

.

Why the Internet Exists

Dear Diary,

When Al Gore invented the Internet, he most likely envisioned web sites being built with designs that were engaging, and reading that is both comprehensive and informing.

This web site, I think, completes Al's vision.  Screw online banking or ESPN.com; this is why the Internet exists.
.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Intra Entry: Boobie Update

Dear Diary,

UPDATE: In response to this, I decided to review my health survey.

Turns out I checked the box marked "female."   I double-checked and I am not a female...I am a male.  I made the correction on my health survey and I am no longer a moderate risk for breast cancer.

Phew.  That was a close one.

.

AirTouch

Dear Diary,

I ran into our chief appraiser this morning and I noticed something.  He had an AirTouch pager.  Do you remember pagers, Diary?  You would dial the phone number and then punch in numbers.  How old school is that?  He's probably had that same pager since 1995.  Totally dorky today, in my opinion, but an awesome reminder of the past.

I remember when I had one during my senior year of high school.  I was da bomb.  My buddies would page me with these codes that we made up.

"2255 63 6288", meant "Call Me - Matt."  Ah, yeah, boy-ee!

I'm going to try to find out what his number is so I can page him the all-time classic "07734", which spelled "hello," if you held it upside down.  I can't even count how many times I have typed that on my calculator and shown that to someone sitting next to me in class.
.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

This kid is 3.  I don't even think I could do that and I'm 30.



.

Where's Waldo?

Dear Diary,

Today is a bitter-sweet Friday.  Sweet: because it's Friday and Mrs. Mattrix and I are leaving the kids at home so we can go on a weekend getaway.  Bitter: because today is someone's last day at bankrupt [...BEEP...].  You don't know him very well Diary, his name is Waldo.  I would like to dedicate today's entry to Waldo by attempting to roast him.  It looks like fun on TV, so I thought I would give it a try here.

Waldo's Unauthorized Biography:
Matt "Waldo" Walder originated from the slums of Albuquerque, NM, where, at the age of 13, he used to wonder the streets in fear of his life.  Clutching his 1-string bass guitar -- he was too poor to have 4-strings -- Waldo could be seen sprinting through the streets trying to run away from hooligans that would like to "pluck" his guitar string.

At the ripe age of 18, Waldo said good bye to Albuquerque and headed West to sunny California, where he would wonder the streets of L.A. performing tricks for food.  Magic tricks, that is.  At the legal age of 21, Waldo, a 4-time recovering alcoholic, found himself half dead in a gutter and decided to clean up his life.

Moving in with a college friend, Waldo, at the age of 24, found himself working for an obscure subprime mortgage company called [...BEEP...].  Here Waldo would, once again, perform tricks for food.  The trick this time was to try to understand what "Special K" was saying to him.  "Special K" liked to chat with the "new guy."  When I was a "new guy" I had the same experience.

I digress.  Back to our story.

Today, at the age of 27, Waldo has lost most of his hair and lives in a luxury trailer park where he can now claim fame. Three strings richer, Waldo now has a 4-string bass guitar and is a member of the rock and roll cover band, "Mommy's Little Monsters."  Waldo will be leaving California and flying to Alaska.  Where he will be preaching the music of Social Distortion to all the snow-blown Eskimos that have never heard the sultry sounds of Social D.

I will always remember ye, Waldo.  Every time I read the "Where's Waldo?" book with my kids, I'll have a smile on my face, because in my heart, I know that I'll really be asking: Where's Waldo?
.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Today's "Tense Thursday"

Dear Diary,

Do you like the title?  More alliteration for you to bask in.

Today is tense, but I should lead you in by mentioning what happened yesterday afternoon.  The Geriatric Auditors, reviewing our loan files, got into a fight with each other.  The "head" of the group told another guy to slow down because "it's not a race."  The other guy's professional response was, "no, it is a race and I'm not going to slow down."

How nice to know that our auditors are racing instead of being thorough with their review of our business.  It's even nicer that [...BEEP...] has the privilege of paying for these auditors too.

Back to today.  I walk in and the same two guys are now fighting with a husband-wife team that joined them today.  I told my boss I'm leaving my door shut until they leave, which is great, because now I can crank up my music.

The other part of "tense Tuesday" is that I spoke with the parking attendant that I have been having "conflicts" with.  This is the same guy that yelled at me and gave me a citation for parking backwards.

It was not a long conversation, but it was definitely tense and wrought with anxiety.

ATTENDANT: Good morning, sir.
MATTRIX: Hello.

Ooohhh, can you feel the tension Diary?  Writing it out for this entry sends shivers down my spine.  Next time I might pop a cap gangsta style on him.  Lest you forget Diary, that's how I roll.



.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

KPMG Still Annoys Me

Dear Diary,

At bankrupt [...BEEP...] we used KPMG as our public accounting firm for auditing.  [...BEEP...] also uses KPMG for auditing.  I consider "KPMG" to be a four-letter word, because of five years of turmoil I went through at my old company dealing with them.  Since it is near quarter-end we've had auditors in-house reviewing loan files and, unfortunately, they are using the cubicles outside of my office to do their work.  Normally, this would be fine except that they all sit five feet from each other and they feel the need to shout at each other.

They are always having some sort of communication problem with each other.  I am glad that KPMG does not discriminate based on the age of its employees, but when there are five people (all over the age of 60) shouting and having communication problems maybe you shouldn't have them auditing a large, public company's books.

I'm going to go run an errand now.  I might be able to get a bunch of hearing aid batteries at Walgreen's if I hurry.
.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Bankruptcy Interview

Message

Dear Diary,
 
Yesterday afternoon I had an appointment to speak with attorneys, whom were conducting interviews on behalf of the Examiner.  The Examiner was appointed by the Bankruptcy Court to investigate and document the events leading up, and into, [...BEEP's...] voluntary Chapter 11 filing.
 
They had a team of three people, and I had a team of one.  So we have a 3-v-1 thing going on and they are winning so far... in numbers.  The interview lasted for almost 7 hours (3pm to 10pm-ish), but the fun part was they catered a nice dinner for us.  Shish-kabob filet mignon with fire-roasted veggies.  It was a total yum fest.  Nothing unusual came up during the interview, but there were some, what I would call, awkward moments during our breaks.
 
The first awkward moment had to be when I first arrived and we were serving drinks.  The attorneys were seated quickly and I was still up trying to serve myself ice.
 
SIDE THOUGHT: Here's a tip Diary.  When you host people don't provided ice tongs that barely open up.  It makes it difficult for me and others to serve ourselves a drink.  Get a large spoon or something.
 
The tongs I had to use were barely wide enough to grab an ice cube.  For example, if the width of the ice cube was 0.5 inches they had ice tongs that were 0.501 inches wide.  Barely enough room for me to work with.  I felt like I was playing Operation because I had to be so accurate picking up the ice cubes.  When I finally managed to grab an ice cube the tongs were at maximum capacity and they were struggling to hold on to the ice cube.  While I was motioning to place the ice in the glass, the tongs could not handle it any more and the ice cube squirted up and out of the tongs and flew across the room a good three feet (at least).  I never did find out where the ice cube went.  It melted away into the carpet somewhere in the conference room never to be seen or heard from again.  Feeling embarrassed I drank warm soda instead of trying to get more ice.
 
The second awkward moment happened during our restroom breaks.  The interviewer followed me to the restroom both times and stood next to me at the urinals both times.  One of those times I thought he was "fake peeing" so that he could escort me and make sure I didn't wonder off around the building looking for stuff.
 
SIDE THOUGHT: Here's another tip Diary.  If you want me to pee quickly so we can get back to our meeting, then don't stand next to me and talk.  When I make water I need total silence.  It's takes a while for my little workers to open the flood gates and I need silence to be able to fully concentrate on the task at hand.
 
When it was all said and done, though, it was actually a pleasant (and interesting) experience for me.  The nerd in me liked all the legal mumble-jumble and I've since been reading the court documents filed.  I even found my name listed as a Creditor -- I have a claim to a whopping $0 dollars.  And thus marks the completion of my first encounter with "the legal system."  I'm sure this will not be my last either.  I'm expecting to be interviewed again in the future.
 

Monday, September 24, 2007

Manic Monday

Dear Diary,

Starting the iPod.

Artist: The Bangles
Album: Greatest Hits (1990)
Song: Manic Monday

Today is going to be a manic Monday indeed.  First up, I was asked to update a report for Monday morning's M.U.G. meeting.  Wow, check out that alliteration.  Next, I need to model an Option ARM mortgage loan so that I can track the cash flows and identify the point of unscheduled neg-am recast.  That last sentence made me sound grown up didn't it, Diary?  Then, no lunch because I'm leaving early today.

I'm leaving early because I'm meeting with a group of attorney's representing the bankruptcy court where bankrupt [...BEEP...] has filed for bankruptcy.  I'm meeting with them from 3pm - 9pm.  At first I did not want to do it because I get nothing out of it, but then they used the word "subpoena."  It was weird how information suddenly seemed to come back to mind instantly.  It's probably not related, but who knows? :o)
.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Happy 80's Friday to you.

Love,
Mr. & Mrs. Mattrix
20030412-1751-001

.

My Boobies Hurt

Dear Diary,

Based on my entry yesterday, I'm assuming you gathered that there has been a lot of stress in the office this week.  I'm happy to report that yesterday was calmer (and less tearful) than the first half of the week.  However, I have a new problem.

Our health insurance provider sent out a newsletter yesterday and a particular line grabbed my attention. It read: "Start simple steps to a healthier life today, and in just six weeks, you could be on your way to a healthier, more balanced life."

I thought, sure, I could use a little less stress in my life.  So I clicked on the corresponding link and proceeded to fill out an online health survey.  Here's where the troubling part comes in.  For the most part, the results of my health survey are in line, but then I see this:

health risk

What?  I'm a moderate risk for breast cancer?  I want to know what question I answered on that survey that links me to breast cancer.  I must not have been paying attention to the questions because my boobies feel fine.

On the other hand, maybe I'll take this to my boss and ask if I can take the day off as a sick day.  Diary, do you know where I can get a breast cancer self exam sticker to put on the inside of my medicine cabinet?  I guess I'll have to start doing self exams after brushing my teeth.
.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Cry Baby

Dear Diary,

Hilary Clinton must become the next President of the United States of America.  The reason: she is a girl.

The last three days have been horrendous at […BEEP…] because I have been preparing a report package for the Board of Directors.  Normally, this would not be such a big deal, but we were presenting a new report format and my boss was all nerves.  Out of eight people in my department, five of them are women, and one of them is our boss.

My boss gets frazzled easily.  Any time a deadline gets too close for her comfort she becomes irrational and essentially freaks out.  It is awesome to watch; assuming your not receiving it.

On Tuesday I was on the receiving end, but there was a twist.  She was in near tears while she was talking to me.  I was amazed at the amount of tears in her eyes, but they would not fall down her face.  It was really awkward for me.  I did not know what I should have done.  Laugh and point at her.  Cry with her.  Leave the room.  It was a [CREEPY] moment.

Yesterday, was even more tense than Tuesday; and this time a co-worker came into my office to give me a number for the report and she was actually crying.  Again, what do I do?  I said, "Thanks, don’t worry about it.  You’re doing your best."  She thanked me and walked out.

I feel like I need to be Dr. Phil and give them both affirmations about how well they are doing.  Working for a lady is much different than working for a man.  My old boss at bankrupt […BEEP…] never cried.  Instead I think he worked through his stress by dropping "F-Bombs."

Therefore, when things get stressful at work, I think I would rather work for a man than a woman.  Comparing the two, it is more fun to watch someone explode than to feel like I am watching a chick flick.

Back to Hilary: how awesome would it be to see Hilary as President crying to the Iranian government officials not to build nuclear weapons?  I can picture the Iranian officials nudging each other and whispering, "Another mood swing!"
.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Intra Entry: Shhhh...

Message

Dear Diary,
 
We should try to be more quiet.  "QC Ted" is taking a nap on the floor... in his cubicle.  Poor little guy.  Looks like doing quality control work is tiring.
 

Weekend Update with Mattrix

Message

Dear Diary,
 
Happy Monday! (bah humbug)  Wow, you're cranky today Diary.  What's wrong?  You're not still mad at me because I didn't take you on my bike ride are you?  What do you expect me to do with you?  That's so stupid.  What guy is going to show up to go mountain bike riding with his buddies with a diary in his hand?  Not me, that's who.  I can see the entry now on top of one of the hills.
 
Dear Diary: Wheeeee!!
 
Anyways, you should be glad I didn't take you.  I spun out and crashed on our last downhill run.  I probably would have crushed you because I landed on my back.  My friend, Slider, thought that I was doing a trick because he saw my back tire lock up and start to fish tail.  I don't remember what happened next, but I was informed that my bike turned 180 degrees and then I ended up in some sort of pretzel formation.  Slider was kind enough to not laugh, oh wait!  That's right, he was laughing hard as I lay on the ground strikingly similar to Pollyanna when she fell out of her window (in the 1960's Disney movie).  Fortunately, I didn't get hurt too bad.  My shins were shredded a bit from the bike pedals and my shoulder is sore, but at least nothing is broken.
 
That was Sunday.  On Saturday, we had our first soccer game (we're the Fireballs).  Mattrix Jr. scored the first goal for our team.  I was a proud Poppa.  Have a good day Diary.  Try to relax and cool off okay?  You've got such the temper lately.  Have a little sympathy for me, I have a boo-boo on my shoulder (sniff, sniff).
 

Friday, September 14, 2007

dd2go: Scam / Rip-off

Dear Diary (to go), There's no way this is possible. Moms should stay away from this guy. With a 18 month supply of homes for sale (in Orange County), they'll lose their shirts. And since they're moms I'm guessing they wouldn't want that to happen.

Hi Diary, no entry today....

Hi Diary, no entry today. I'm swamped with work. Too much to do, so have a good weekend. See you on Monday.
Click here to listen

Powered by Jott

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Parental Advisory

Dear Diary,

That was wrong!  I feel dirty and violated; and it's all because of an e-mail.

My bosses secretary shared at our last staff meeting that her husband did really well in a competition the other weekend.  Being the new guy, I had no idea what type of competition that might have been.  She said she had pictures and could send some to me and I said, "Sure.  That'd be great."

Her e-mail said:

Here are a couple pics from [so-and-so's] NPC contest.  He was amazing!!

I have no clue what "NPC" stands for, so I'm thinking these pictures are going to be a cool action shot of him... I don't know... diving, catching, driving... who knows.

... I open the attachment and then...

BOOM!

I'm blinded with a baby oil-slicked, muscle machine smiling and looking straight (and perhaps longingly) into my eyes!

Furiously, I scrambled to close the picture, but I couldn't.  For some reason my hands no longer knew how to operate a mouse.  Implementing "Plan B", I pick up my computer monitor and start turning it around.  Stuff is now flying everywhere because I'm knocking over practically everything on my desk.

A few seconds later I manage to close the picture.  My office is a disaster now, but it was 100% worth it.  I would rather explain the disaster on my desk ("I was dusting") than having to explain why I'm looking at an oiled muscle man doing a half-curtsy.

Needless to say, I now know what "NPC" stands for... "Nipples, Pecks and Cheeks."
.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Intra Entry: Perfect Storm

Dear Diary,

Was that the movie with George Clooney and his boat sank?

From Bloomberg: Washington Mutual Says Housing Market in "Near-Perfect Storm"

Washington Mutual, Inc. ... said today that conditions in the housing market are creating a "near-perfect storm"...

"The combination of rising delinquencies, higher foreclosures, more housing inventories, increasing interest rates on many mortgages and greatly reduced availability of mortgages due to limited liquidity is creating what we call a near-perfect storm for housing," [CEO Kerry Killinger] said.

.

Star Cubes

Dear Diary,

If somebody asks me one more time, "What are those things?"  I don't think that I should be held liable for any of the events that might transpire immediately after said question is asked.  I am going to freak out on somebody, Diary.  I am not joking when I say that, at a minimum, 15 people have asked me what those things are that I'm washing in the kitchen sink.

[Listening to Dear Diary]

Oh great!  Thanks Diary, now that's 16 people that have asked me.  You're lucky that I know you and like you.  Had you been a [...BEEP...] employee you'd be on the floor seeing ice cube stars.

And that's exactly what "those things" are Diary.  They're re-usable ice cubes shaped as stars.  I hate, abhor, detest and extremely dislike warm milk.  I can only drink milk when it has been out of the fridge for no more than 5 minutes.  That's probably why I don't drink milk at meals.  Warm milk makes me want to blow chunks.

That's why I started using re-usable ice cubes.  I was using real ice cubes and a zip lock bag, but that got irritating after a while because the ice would melt and sometimes dilute the milk if I didn't close the bag all the way.  My lovey girl, Mrs. Mattrix, came up with a good idea and went to Tar-zsh-ay (sometimes pronounced: "Target") and bought these re-usable ice cubes.

And now, every time I clean them in the kitchen I get someone asking me what those are.  One lady even said, "I like those, they're cute!"  How does a guy respond back to that?  "Thanks, originally I was going for 'keep the milk cold,' but I'm glad I also look cute carry 'mammary discharge from a mother cow's nipple.'"

Perhaps I'm over reacting?  Maybe they're simply trying to make small talk.  But in my defense that's gotta drive you nuts right?  I mean, 16 people asking you the same question.  Where's the love?
.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

In Rememberance

Dear Diary,

In rememberance of 9/11 there will be no entry today.
.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Art by Mattrix

Dear Diary,

I was eating lunch at my favorite place late last week and something weird happened.  After eating lunch, I plugged into my iPod and started drawing in a sketch book.

I'm working on a logo for a Jeep club that my friends and I started.  It's been a while since I've drawn anything so I've begun drawing Jeeps as practice.  While looking down and drawing (still with the iPod playing) I noticed two legs standing close to my table.  I look up and this guy was trying to get my attention.

After pausing the music, he asked if I was a freelance artist.  I think I laughed and said no I'm a financial analyst.  He said, "That's okay, can I have a card because I'd like to hire you for some work."  I think I laughed again and said I only do this for fun, I'm not trained as an artist.  Again he said, "That's okay."

So I gave him my card and he walked out.  That has to be one of the weirdest things that has happened to me at lunch before.  It was flattering to think he liked my drawing, but I'm nervous he's going to call me.

Weird, isn't it Diary?  I took a picture with my camera phone to show you what I was drawing.

Pencil drawn Jeep
.

Friday, September 7, 2007

dd2go: Duh!

Dear Diary (to go), What is this person thinking? Do they really think that I'm going to misinterpret the word "Jeep" written above the license plate for "Hummer?" Ri-don-cu-lous.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Intra Entry: "Mini Me" Pimpin' his Ride

Dear Diary,

Check out actor Verne Troyer's new ride.  Homeboy should get some Spinners.

Verne Troyer's Ride
.

Me Needs Starbuck

Dear Diary,

"Floor Mom" sent an e-mail out to the floor yesterday saying:

Starbuck Dark Roast Extra Bold brewing...

I caught myself reading this a few times because I don't think I have every heard (or read) of such a long way for saying, "Coffee is brewing."

That was funny moment #1.  Funny moment #2 came when "QC Ted" clicked on "Reply to All."  Which, by the way, I am 100% in favor of.  I love it when people click reply to all.  It's a quick and easy way to determine someone's true intelligence in a public environment.

Back to our story... "QC Ted's" reply,
Thank you ["Floor Mom"] for taking care of us, caffeine-wise.

Post "reply to all" analysis:
  1. Is a response to the entire floor necessary?  Answer: no.

  2. If I'm wrong and a response is necessary, should you write more than "Thank you?"  Answer: no.

  3. If I'm wrong and a long-winded response is necessary, should you clarify what the response is for by adding "-wise" to it?  Answer: no.

  4. If I'm wrong and a long-winded response is necessary and you should add "-wise" to it, then are you "QC Ted."  Answer: yes.
Well then I'm sorry but I'm not wrong and this analysis is null and void because you're "QC Ted."  You could barely convert 24 months into years when I asked how long you have been working for [...BEEP...].

Null and void!  Good day to you sir.
.