Entry #5 (1/12/2004)

Dear Diary,

Greetings! I wish you well as I am about to rattle off words of inspiration, wisdom, and courage. Why courage? Well, because someone needs to stand up to the forces of secretarial darkness. Just as Frodo Baggins in "Lord of The Rings" had to eliminate Saran the dark lord, I must eliminate evil secretaries and all their evilness. Oh diary, am I being too harsh? Must I, as they say, "take a chill pill?" NO! I shall not deter in my quest to rid this world of false prophets and false well wishers. Let me explain...

I have received word from a very reliable and somewhat of a genius of a "Secondary Marketing Analyst" that a certain someone of the "Secretarial" status has been pawning herself off as an analyst and NOT a secretary. Why do I capitalize the word not? Well, because every now and then her conversations make it absolutely clear to people that she is not a secretary. To paraphrase..."I'm not his assistant. But I do work closely with Kal." Excuse me? You work closely with Kal? What does that mean? Working closely with someone does not mean that you ARE NOT or ARE an [insert title here.] Still confused? How about this? I have here in my "Matt-belt" an "Acme Secretary Litmus Test." Don't laugh. It's top of the line stuff. It has been clinically proven to work 99.9999% of the time.

Here's the test. You have to answer this question truthfully and it will tell you if you are a secretary or not. Question. Do you have access to your bosses e-mail and calendar in Outlook? Go ahead. Think about it for a minute if you like. .......... All done? What's your answer? Yes? Well then my friend, you are what I would call a secretary. Don't argue. The test has spoken. Yes, I will admit that you do what some might call "analytical" work, but at the end of the day when you're reading Kal's e-mail for him...well, I'll just let that be. I shall now officially knight you as a "Glorified Secretary." Just as a movie extra might get to say one line and be called a "Glorified Extra", you get to do some one line "analytical" work and be called a "Glorified Secretary." Case closed I shall hear no more of your arguments.

I will now reflect on what I have learned this past week. First, Scantrons are still cool and should be used at all schools. That one just about floored me too. Second, it's okay for your children to like Barney when they are 12 years old. Although we don't tell others outside the home, inside the home it's all good. Third, Secondary needs to get motivated. We need to get what? Don't play with fire sister. As soon as you learn what "G.O.S." stands for and what "weighted-average" means then you can give us a call. Fourth, you can't take knives on airplanes any more. I don't know how many times I have heard that statement lately. Really, you mean that I can't do that any more? Gee thanks, I guess I'll leave my "Crocodile Dundee" knife set at home the next time I fly. I usually like to bring it to pick out my toe-jam at hotels, but I guess there are some new airport rules now. And last but not least for this week...number five on the list of things that I learned this week...sitting two cubical walls away from a co-worker justifies calling them on the phone and talking very loud. I don't mind you talking on the phone to a co-worker, but when the co-worker is two walls away I think that you can get up and go talk to them. Instead, I now have to listen to the drivel of two people talking not so quietly to each other over the phone when they are like 15-20 feet away from each other. Take the walk people. It might help to burn some of those carbs.

With that said, I look forward to my next entry as I present five things that I learn each week here at [edited for anonymity].

Yours truly,

"Frodo" Mullins the "neighbor-bearer". =)