What am I Doing?

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

White Trash Analyst

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling pretty trashy right now.  I noticed in the restroom mirror that I have a hole in the back of my pants.  And, to top it off, the cuffs are starting to fray.  The laundry machine must of had a good time putting the hurt on these pants since I last wore them.

Good thing Gap Store Manager Tom ("GSM Tom") isn't here.  Recently, I was wearing a green polo shirt that he didn't like and he called me out in front of 25+ people.

The fashion industry can be so cruel.  It's hard to be a "fierce" model analyst when you keep getting negative criticism.

I'll be eating lunch in my office today.

Tags: , , ,

Monday, July 30, 2007

Intra Entry: Board of Directors

Dear Diary,

My boss sent this e-mail a few minutes ago.

Subject: Board Materials
Message: For those of you responsible for board reports, the August materials will be sent out on August 15.  Please plan accordingly.  Thanks.

[Updating my Calendar...]

August 15th -- Call in Sick.

Tags: ,

Happiest Place on Earth

Dear Diary,

How was your weekend?  Did you do anything fun?  Oh, wait.  You couldn't of done anything fun because I left you in my bag all weekend.  Well, you at least got my Twitter updates right?  I'll keep sending those so you can keep up with where I am and what I am doing.

Disneyland was a lot of fun.  It was really, really hot and waiting in the "Finding Nemo" line for 1.75 hours was not fun, but I liked the ride.  At least Walt & Co. was kind of enough to sell us a bottle of water for $7.  They're probably losing money on the deal, but I think they care more about people having fun on the rides.

We ate dinner at DCA -- that's So. Cal speak for "Disney's California Adventure" -- and then we stumbled across the Electrical Parade.  Kayley got to see it for the first time.  She's almost 4-years old, but she is usually the one that falls asleep just before it starts.

The best part of the parade for me is Jennifer screams non-stop for the entire parade.  And the benefit of that is 95% of the time she can get any character or moving-float-thingy to come over to her and say "hi."  I have video footage of it.  Maybe if I summon up the strength to figure out how to post it I will.

I'm super bored today, and I don't want to do work.  That's why I'm talking about my weekend instead of something here at [...BEEP...].

Tags: ,

Friday, July 27, 2007

dd2go: Tow Trucks

Dear Diary (to go),

When a tow truck drives in the emergency lane with its lights on, how often is it going to help someone versus trying to avoid traffic?

I say 60% of the time they're trying to avoid traffic.

Tags: ,

Hello from India

Dear Diary,

Regarding my Twitter message yesterday.

Here's what started all of this.  An e-mail from the CEO to all employees.

It has come to my attention that many people are not answering phone calls.  Instead phone calls are being answered via voicemail.  Even though [...BEEP...] has a robust voicemail system, it is only to be used after business hours.  During business hours, all phone calls must be answered by an employee.  Accordingly, if you are going to be away from your desk, it is necessary that you notify someone in your office and ensure that your phone calls will be answered in your absence.

When I first read this I was not too concerned.  I thought for sure he was talking mostly to those that deal with customers or vendors.  A few days later, our COO tried to reach somebody in our group and couldn't.  So he starts going off about the CEO's e-mail and why aren't you fixing this, type of rant.

Then yesterday, we had a department meeting about how when you leave your desk you have to tell someone so they can pick up your phone.  And in order for someone else to hear your phone ring, you have to turn up the ringer volume to ear-shattering levels.

We had this meeting around 10:45 AM.  At 11:30 AM I went to lunch.  I came back and the guys in the department had gotten an e-mail from the ladies saying why haven't you fixed your phone so we can hear it?  My response?  1) This is the stupidest thing I've heard of, 2) I didn't realize that I had to figure out how to work my phone before I do anything else, 3) We're not a call center stationed in India.

I don't like this, but I guess I have to do it even though it doesn't make sense.

[ring... ring.... ring...]

Sorry Diary, I gotta get this.  "CHESTer's" phone is ringing.  "Hello?"  "Hi, no he's not hear right now.  He had to go poop.  Sorry I wish I could help you but I don't have access to his work.  Can I take a message?"  "No?"  "I could transfer you to his voicemail."  "No problem, have a nice day."

Thanks for waiting Diary.  Yeah, I don't get it.  How is me answering the phone and then sending the person to voicemail any different than just letting voicemail get it in the first place?

I need a Slurpee.


Thursday, July 26, 2007

I'm a Threat to Society

Dear Diary,

I got a parking violation at work.  When I saw the note on my windshield I smirked.  After I read the violation, I laughed out loud in the parking structure.

Parking Violation

This vehicle is parked in violation of the following rules governing the use of this parking area.  Your license plate number has been recorded.

Please assist us in providing ample and safe parking for all our patrons.  Repeated violations will be brought to the attention of responsible parties.

Any guesses as to what I did wrong?

I parked my car backwards.  I passed a parking spot and since there were no more spots available in front of me, I backed up into the one that was available.

The part that made me laugh was the "ample and safe parking" line.  How does parking backwards reduce the number of spots available?  My car was perfectly lined up between the lines.  And since when does parking backwards pose a safety threat?  It cracks me up that this parking attendant is on a power trip.  It's the same guy that yelled at me before.

I also laughed at "...will be brought to the attention of responsible parties."  Which is another way of saying, "I'm going to tattle on you."

I think I need to start messing around with this guy.  He takes his job way too seriously, he needs some laughter.  Updates to follow.

Tags: ,

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Intra Entry: Oatmeal

Dear Diary,

What's wrong with oatmeal?  I eat it for lunch (almost) everyday at work.

Dilbert, 7/24/07

Tags: intra entry, dilbert, oatmeal

dd2go: Let's Roll

Dear Diary (to go)[?],

My friend Tom has a jeep.  See it here.  What's cool is that Jeep owners wave to each other when they drive by.  I want to be able to do that too, but I drive a Saturn.

I've started waving (or making a peace sign) to other Saturn owners, but so far I've only seen old ladies.  For now, my call sign is "GeriMattrix."

Saturn owners!  Let's roll.

Tags: dd2go, saturn

Monday, July 23, 2007

Intra Entry: SQL Script

Dear Diary,

File As: "Help Desk"

Here's a small SQL script I wrote to help me find a field name.  I was looking for a field called "cash out amount," but I did not want to go searching through 50 different tables containing 300+ fields.  The script below did that for me.

All I had to do was type a small piece of the word ("cash") and POOF!  The script returned a list of all the tables with the word "cash" in a field name.

SELECT CONVERT(VARCHAR(35), t.name) 'Table Name', CONVERT(VARCHAR(35), c.name) 'Column Name'
FROM [DB NAME]..syscolumns c
JOIN [DB NAME]..sysobjects t
ON c.id = t.id
WHERE c.name like '%cash%'

P.S. Don't forget to change "[DB NAME]" to the name of the database you're using.

Tags: intra entry, sql, help desk

You Down with O.C.D.?

Dear Diary,

Are you down with O.C.D.?  Yah, you know me.

On the way into work today I was listening to the Kevin and Bean Show and they were talking about Obsessive Compulsive Disorders ("O.C.D.").  They had people call in and say what their "disorders" were.  Some were outrageous and crazy, and then there were some that made me think that maybe I have O.C.D.  Below is a list of things I could thing of.

1) All of my phone cords have to make a perfect loop.  They can't be twisted at all.

2) The "stick thing" on pen caps have to be twisted and touching the words on the pen to form a straight line.

3) If my car tires on the passenger-side run over a man-hole, I have to make the driver-side run over a man-hole too so that things are even again.

4) Book shelves have to be ordered tallest to shortest.  If two or more books are the same height, then I alphabetize them.

5) Screws on light switches and plugs have to be vertical.

6) My toilet paper has to roll on the outside.  If I can't fix the roll I'll go to another stall.

I'm sure I could think of a lot more if I wanted too, but what do you think Diary?  Am I down with O.C.D.?

Tags: ocd

Friday, July 20, 2007

It's a Harry Potter Friday

Dear Diary,

Happy Harry Potter day!  Can you believe the amount of press and publicity this book is getting?  It's amazing how one writer has been able to change her life from single Mom writing books in a coffee shop; to Billionaire famous lady.

True confession.  I am one of those people that got on the Harry Potter train (Platform #9-3/4) well after it left the station.  A good friend of mine, told me I should read the books.  I hemmed and hawed for a bit, but I trusted him so I took his advice and began reading the books.  I actually like them.  I'm almost done reading book #4.

Any ways, I was reading through my Google Reader news feeds and I came aross this article.  If anybody asked me to combine my fiction life with business life, this would be the article to do it.  I'm a Warren Buffett fan, and now I can say a Harry Potter fan too.

Friday Fun: In the spirit of Harry's world premiere, I thought it would be fun to world premiere the new Mattrix game too.  What's your high score Diary?  Mine is 11.

Tags: warren buffett, harry potter, mattrix game

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Intra Entry: Have you Ever...

Dear Diary,

When no one is looking, have you ever measured how much body fat you have by grabbing your gut with both hands and shaking it?

[Awkward Silence.]

Oh -- err -- yeah, me neither... yeah, I think that's totally gross too.

[Dear Diary punches Mattrix on the arm.]

Mattrix: "Ouch."

Tags: intra entry, body fat

Then & Now: My Career

Dear Diary,

This entry is on the self-serving side, but I think it makes for a good story.

I've been working in the mortgage industry for close to 10 years now.  I have seen a lot of bankruptcies, down-sizing, failures and successes.  But few things will compare to the moment I experienced about a week ago.


I got my first job after replying to a job flyer I saw posted at Cal State Long Beach.  I was a telemarketer making cold calls to prospective borrowers and I also did some data entry work.  I knew where my place on the food chain was (on the bottom) and I was fine with that because this was a part-time job while I was finishing my degree.

Fast-forward the "Memory TiVo"... and two years later I have managed to squeak up a few notches on the food chain.  I am now a Mini Analyst (in college), which I classify as one notch below a Junior Analyst (out of college).  I don't remember specifically the work I did, but I do remember working for a group of loan officers, one of which, liked to let me know where my place on the food chain was.

NOW (8 years later)

I'm married, I have 3 kids and I am a Senior Portfolio Analyst, which is a big improvement from Mini Analyst, single and living with Mom & Dad.

[Special shout out to K.C., W.L. and the 11th Floor-ee crew for growing me up in this business.]

When I started this new job I was surprised to find out that I was going to be getting an office after my department moved to a new location.  After moving in, the facilities team was stopping by daily to help us get settled into the new location.  I needed a floor mat for my chair, guess who delivered it?

The loan officer from THEN that liked to tell me where my place on the food chain was!  I was shocked (and secretly ecstatic).  There he was, still wearin' the bling, but with work gloves on and delivering my floor mat.  It was a great feeling too because he recognized me and we chatted for a few minutes.

After we were done talking he picked up my trash and walked out of my office.


Tags: good story, college, analyst

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Coffee is a Bit Nutty

Dear Diary,

My coffee tastes horrible this morning.  I think it's because there is a group of five or six people that like to drink a vanilla & hazelnut coffee flavor.

I've tried all of the other Starbucks' pots we brew and they all taste like vanilla & hazelnut.  It doesn't seem right.  I think they should go get their own brewing machine so that the other 50 people on the floor don't have to taste their foo-foo flavor.

Austin Powers[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside.]

Austin: "Basil, this coffee smells like s***."
Basil : "It is s***, Austin."
Austin: "Oh, good then it's not just me."
Austin: [Smacks lips] "It's a bit nutty."

Tags: starbucks, coffee, austin powers

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Intra Entry: Photo Contest

Dear Diary,

For 2008, my Company is having a photo contest for its employees.  [...BEEP...] is looking for 12 pictures of water.  For each photo that gets picked, the employee will receive a $150 gift card.  I think I'll give it a shot.  Do you have any ideas?

It can be anything, as long as, it's about water and there are no people in it (legal reasons I guess).

Tags: intra entry, contest

To Excel Or Not to Excel

[Voice Over:]
Today's diary entry is sponsored by, Peet's Coffee.  Peet's Coffee.  We're nature's liquid "roid rage."

Dear Diary,

I can not stand it anymore!  I am sick and tired of being told how to format my reports.  For those that know me I spend a lot of time on my formatting.  It's probably gotten me into trouble because I take too long to turn something in.

In fact, who else do you know, Diary, that has been able to successfully put lightning bolts into a PowerPoint presentation?  Huh!?  Me, baby, me.  That's right, a grown man putting lightning bolts into a presentation.

K.C. (Chief of the 11th Floor-ees), are you out there?  Did you not love those lightning bolts?  Oh, wait, this is a diary, he won't be reading this.  Any ways, they were cool.

As I was saying yesterday, we're closing our second quarter, and I've been turning in lots of reports.  Yesterday afternoon we had a department meeting about our reports -- because they went to a committee for review -- and there were some changes to make.

Do you know what my boss had the nerve to do?  She told me to change 20.0% to 20%.  Excuse me!?!  You're calling me out because I put ".0%"?  Unbelievable.  And this is coming from the Ruler of "We don't format our Excel charts" Magical Kingdom.

I was beside myself Diary.  I have been here 1.5 months and I have yet to see an Excel chart that has been reformatted from the Chart Wizard's default settings.  Look at this...

Excel Chart

How ugly is that?  This is an actual chart that is going to the Executive Management team here at [...BEEP...][?].  It's atrocious.  A complete disregard for showing any amount of effort.  That's why I'm so hawked up on Peet's, Diary.  I needed something to get me through today, because I'm still burning inside.

It's ironic to me, that the very word of the program used to create this chart, Excel.  Is also something that my colleagues are not striving for... Excellence.

Peet's Matt[?] out!

Tags: excel, peet's matt, coffee

Monday, July 16, 2007

Head Over Heels for Earnings

Dear Diary,

Before I start you need some background information about this entry.  My Company is on a calendar-year cycle and June 30th marked the end of our second quarter.  What that means is more data to analyze; longer days at the office; and lots of meetings.  I was invited to attend one of those meetings, as a guest.  It was a Model Validation Committee meeting, which, long story short, is an important meeting.

The Attendance Roster:
1 Chief Operating Officer ("COO")
1 Chief Risk Officer ("CRO") [CRO related story]
2 Senior Vice Presidents
3 Vice Presidents
1 Mattrix (me)

These are important people each, of which, can either help (or hurt) my career at [...BEEP...][?].

The meeting starts and we are all sitting around the conference table in the Board room discussing some important stuff.  Basically, the decisions made in this meeting would either affect our earnings positively or negatively.  So the conversation is a bit heated and very tense.

Now comes the part I play in the meeting.  I'm a guest.  I don't speak, but I do nod my head in agreement or disagreement at various things.  BOOM!  It happens.

We're going to need to slow time way, way down because what happens next took only about three seconds, but could have changed my fate forever.  Start the clock...

fallback0.5 second: I decide to lean back in my chair...

1.0 second: My chair starts to lean backwards... and feels like it's not going to stop...

1.5 seconds: [To Myself.] "Oh crap!  I'm going to fall backwards onto the floor."

2.0 seconds: My career flashes through my head as I'm pretty sure they'll want to fire me if I fall down...

2.5 seconds: My knee catches the table... [To Myself.] "Oh, thank you!"

3.0 seconds: I didn't fall over, but my heart is now pounding and I have that sweaty feeling all over.

Had I really fallen down that would have been click worthy of [CLICKx5][?].  But, thankfully, it was a close call instead.

Embarrassing Moment Counter Total: No click... counter remains at 2

Tags: embarrassing, meeting

Friday, July 13, 2007

Intra Entry: "QC Ted"

Dear Diary,

marioThis is too good to pass up.  "QC Ted" is sitting on the floor in his cubicle playing Nintendo DS.

What's even funnier to me are the words "On Lunch" printed in big, bold letters that he taped to his computer monitor.  Like seeing him sitting on the floor, playing video games is not enough for me to think he's not working right now?

I guess he wants to make it super clear to his boss why he is on the floor.

Tags: nintendo, intra entry

Amazing Analysts Calendar

Dear Diary,

I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by.  It's mid-July and I have not even started my "Amazing Analysts" calendar photo shoot yet.  I'm so behind.  I have to get my photographs to the printer soon or I won't be able to get my calendar out in time for 2008.

What?...  Oh, didn't I tell you Diary?  I'm trying to spice up the image of analysts.  In the wake of Enron, Worldcom, Wall Street and now the Subprime mortgage industry; I think the public has lost confidence in the analyst.  So I figured I could give something to the public to get them to think, "Wow, maybe those guys and gals aren't so bad after all."

Each month will feature a different analyst and the contribution he/she makes to society.  For example, I'm going to be featured in March (my birthday month).

[Calendar Snippet:]
Analyst: Mattrix
Contribution: Climbs mountains of data so you don't have too.

Mattrix & Sonny

Mattrix & Sonny

Do you think my calendar idea is going to work?

Tags: analyst, calendar, jeep

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I, Hereby Decree

Dear Diary,

Are analysts allowed to issue decrees?  So... how do I do that then and where do I submit the decree?  No, you don't always have to do things for me... I thought you liked to help me.  Isn't your love language "acts of service?"

My decree is for a word to be permanently removed from the English language.  This word is used often by people in meetings, has appeared in many news headlines, and I think it is inappropriate.  But, more importantly, I can not say the word properly and that embarrasses me.

The word is "exacerbate."

I know.  I don't like it either.  It's too close to another certain word.  I have been in a lot of meetings and people throw this word around without a care in the world.  When I jump in to reiterate a point, I'll try to use this word and totally embarrass myself.

For some reason I can not say "exaCERbate."  I nearly always mispronounce the word "exaSTERbate."  Which is totally embarrassing.

Do you know how I determine if I said the word correctly?  I look at the facial expressions of whomever is looking at me.  If I see an eyebrow furl, I know I said it wrong.

Thus, after years of this problem I think it is time for a decree to be issued which abolishes the use of this word.

There's another word that I can not say correctly, but I'll save that for a later time.  I think I'm only allowed one decree a month.  But I'll give you a clue... think Seinfeld.

Tags: decree, embarrassing, seinfeld

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Ode to Taco Bell

[Isaac Hayes Voice Over:]
Dear Diary,

Snap your fingers to the beat as Mattrix drops some smooth lines on your sultry pages.

[Mattrix Standing on Stage.  Speaks From his Heart... Unfiltered.]

Ode to Taco Bell
Written by Mattrix

Food.  Fun.  Fellowship.  These are the three most important ingredients in our relationship.  Without them we would be "lone reed[s], standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce."  Yet we are NOT lone reeds.  We are two innocent entities seeking safety from the World's relentless brutalities.

You are my provider.
You were there for me as child when I ate your comida on TV trays and watched America's Funniest Home Videos (starring Bob Saget) on Sunday nights.

As an adult, you still offer me the sweet nectar of your re-fried beans.
Your soft, burrito bosom is a safe haven for my weary head.
Your speecy, spicy sauces awaken me.  Giving flight to a renewed spirit.
Your burden on my pocketbook is light and easy to bear.
Your stock ticker symbol is (YUM), which is funny because so is your food.

You are there for me when I need you.
The steadfast ringing of your bell guides me through the foggy smoggy banks of suburbia.  In return, I doff my hat to say, "Thank you."

You are compassionate and understanding when we have our differences.
When you play country music on the P.A. System you quickly apologize and admit you were wrong.

The majority of your workers "no habla ingles," but somehow you are able to prepare my order promptly and accurately (most of the time).

You once tried to poison me with E. Coli in the green onions and I, in return, tried to replace you with "the crazy chicken."  But true love brought us back together.  Which proves... distance does makes the heart grow fonder.  Which also reminds me, I probably don't say this enough to you Taco Bell, but, "I am loco for you."

I will always remember your pet chihuahua.  My heart continues to ache for you as I see you deal with his untimely death.  I am certain the drive-through customer did not mean to... well... you know.

Despite his death, "Yo quiero Taco Bell" remains true.  And, "out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era... in which [Mattrix] and [Taco Bell] come together, in a great and glorious future!"

I love you Taco Bell.  As long as you are open for business, I will always "think outside the bun."

[Lights Dim.  Small Tear Hits the Stage Floor.  Mattrix Walks off Stage.]

Tags: , ,

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Intra Entry: S&P Downgrades Subprime Bonds

Dear Diary,

Article from MarketWatch says:

S&P may downgrade $12 bln of subprime securities... Subprime mortgage-backed securities ["MBS"] losses may keep rising, agency warns.  Read more...

I wonder how many of these deals are from [...BEEP...]?

When I was running those models I used to think some of those deals were invincible.  Based on this article I must have been drinking the Kool-aid and didn't know it at the time.

Tags: subprime, mortgage, downgrade

Intra Entry: Caffeine Overdose

Dear Diary,

I think I'm experiencing a caffeine overdose.  I just finished my fourth cup of Starbucks' French Roast coffee and I feel shaky.  Is that a sign to stop drinking coffee this morning?

Tags: coffee, caffeine

Spongebob Analyst-Pants

Dear Diary,

At my previous employer, [...BEEP...][?], I had, what most people would consider, a lot of Spongebob Squarepants paraphernalia.  Calendars, "action figures," pictures, sound files, DVDs, boxer shorts, etc.

Did I write “boxer shorts” Diary?  Please strike that from your record.  I don’t want that to get leaked out to the world that I have Spongebob boxer shorts.  My Embarrassing Moment Counter would have a field day with that.

Any ways, fast-forward to today.  I have been working at [...BEEP...] for over a month now and I have not put up any of my Spongebob stuff yet.  Correction.  I have a small “action figure” -- I don’t want to say figurine because that sounds dainty and not very manly -- that is under my computer monitor.   And, to date, no one has made a comment about it.

Recently, some 11th Floor-ees[?] asked me if I had put up my Spongebob stuff yet.  I said “No,” because I am not sure how my co-workers would react.  However, I think it is time to show [...BEEP...] the true Spongebob-Loving Mattrix.  What do you think Diary?  How should I do it?  Cold turkey?  Should I show up on Friday and decorate my office with Spongebob?

I think I’ll do it.  

Tags: , , ,

Monday, July 9, 2007

Intra Entry: Bumblebee Rocks

Dear Diary,

Check it out.  That's what my new desktop background looks like at work.  Slider and I saw the new Transformers movie last night.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.  I loved the robot carnage.

P.S.  I found the wallpaper (and others) here.

Tags: , , ,

Hell's Kitchen, Episode #2

Dear Diary,

Previously on Hell's Kitchen...

...The unfortunate part of this story is that one of the Executive Admin's ("EA") desk faces directly into the kitchen; and I had a weird feeling I was being watched.

...Needless to say I am very nervous to go back to that kitchen.  But I know that I am going to have to at some point though.  read more...

I was right Diary.  I eventually did have to go back into that kitchen and I got burned again.  Normally I brew coffee at home for my commute, but this morning I was running late at so I decided to get my coffee at work.

With confidence, I walked into the kitchen filled my coffee cup and began to pour in the cream and sugar.  I was having technical difficulties with the powdered-creamer and started to get nervous.  I performed another out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye-maneuver, and confirmed that I was being watched.

This made me even more anxious and apparently I got too rough with the container because the next thing I saw was white powder everywhere.  I had somehow managed to hit the container just right and the powder exploded up and out of the lid.  Landing all over me, the counter and the floor.

Having to clean that mess up with "Miss Thang" watching me was very hard to do.  No matter what, I am never going back into that kitchen.  I'm going to walk to the other side of the building to get my coffee from now on.  You win "Miss Thang."  That's one for the counter [CLICK x1].

Embarrassing Moment Counter Total: 2

Tags: , ,

Embarrassing Moment Counter

(Last Updated: July 22, 2008)

Things that have happened to me at work that I count as embarrassing.

Close Calls:
Things that have almost happened to me at work that could have been embarrassing.

Tags: ,

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Technical Difficulty

Did you lose your subscription to Matt's Dear Diary?

Try pointing your feed reader to "http://feeds.themullinsfamily.com/mattrix".

Monday, July 2, 2007

Happy Days

Dear Diary,

In honor of the National holidays (yes plural), I'm taking the rest of the week off.  We'll pick things up on Monday.

July 3rd -- Happy Birthday to my Dad, Mattrix Sr.

July 4th -- Independence Day

July 5th -- Happy Birthday to a very pretty lady, Mrs. Mattrix.

The Mattrix Family
[Jonathan 5, Kayley 3, Nicholas 1]

Intra Entry: Costco-sized Fun

Dear Diary,

I just got back from a great lunch.  I visited California's newest and largest Costco store -- so new it's not even on their store locator page.  The store is located in The Tustin Legacy.

Mattrix's Shopping Cart:
1) (12) 8-oz. cans of sliced peaches
2) (2) 1-lb bags of Honey Nut Cheerio's
3) a present for Mrs. Mattrix (can't tell you 'til her birthday), and
4) (1) very filling lunch for $2.75

Oh, and I almost forgot...

5) (1) 5-lb. jar of fun; filled with smiles inside

Respond at Your Earliest Convenience

To: Dear Diary@Matt’sDrawer.com
Fm: Mattrix@Matt’sDesk.com
Re: Office stank

Being an Analyst, my job is to mine through fields and fields... miles and miles... yards and yards... floor to ceiling... horn of plenty... copious amounts of data.  With the purpose of reviewing trends, analyzing the present and predicting the future.  I would like a few minutes of your time to discuss a trend I’ve noticed lately.

Known Variable(s):
1) So. California is sunny.
2) My office is close to the beach.
3) People have legs and can walk.
4) People that have legs and can walk, tend to walk to the beach, which is close to my office.

Unknown Variable(s):
1) Amount of time spent walking.
2) Frequency of walks.
3) Today's temperature.
4) Did the walker put on deodorant?

My concern is that now that we are in the Summer months, a lot of people have begun walking to the beach for a quick “work break.”  Which I am perfectly fine with because I have done it myself once or twice.  But I am concerned that the “Stank Factor” is going to increase inside the office to unheard of levels.  See Chart 1.

Based on the raw data I have been mining through, I’m forecasting a serious problem here.  The office “Stank Factor” is dramatically increasing and needs to be addressed immediately.  Currently I have two solutions with the potential for more; assuming I get the data I asked for from the Data Warehouse Group.

Solution #1: Place a moratorium on all lunch time walks.  It doesn’t seem fair, but it’ll solve our problem cold turkey.

Solution #2: Install showers in the building.  This will appease the employees and will help to reduce the toxicity of the air quality.

Please respond at your earliest convenience to discuss this matter further.