Are You Happy to See Me?

Dear Diary,

I need your help with something.  This might be hard for you to understand because you're a book and not human, but still I value your insight.

We guys have a problem that women do not have to deal with.  And that is...uh...how do I say this?  We have a special tool that we carry around with us.  And it's a great tool.  We like the tool, but it causes havoc sometimes.  For example, in junior high and high school we had to hide our tool sometimes by strategically placing books as we walk around.

Now that we're grown-up we have a bit more control of our tool, but the thoughts of junior high and high school still linger, and that is the problem I need help with.

Guys, when wearing certain pants, experience the "tent effect."  For example, most of the pants that I wear to work create a "false tent" when I sit down.  Personally -- and I suspect other guys do too -- I find this awkward and I do not want to give off the impression that I am pitching a tent.

It's even more awkward, though, to push down or poke your tent because then it just looks like you are playing with yourself, which we are not doing.  We are trying to make the tent go down.

What would you do to solve this problem, Diary?  Should I staple my pants to my boxers?  Or use paper clips?  Please share your ideas.

For now, when I meet someone and we sit down I say: "Hello, my name is Mattrix and I am not happy to see you."

.