What am I Doing?

Monday, July 2, 2007

Respond at Your Earliest Convenience

To: Dear Diary@Matt’sDrawer.com
Fm: Mattrix@Matt’sDesk.com
Re: Office stank

Being an Analyst, my job is to mine through fields and fields... miles and miles... yards and yards... floor to ceiling... horn of plenty... copious amounts of data.  With the purpose of reviewing trends, analyzing the present and predicting the future.  I would like a few minutes of your time to discuss a trend I’ve noticed lately.

Known Variable(s):
1) So. California is sunny.
2) My office is close to the beach.
3) People have legs and can walk.
4) People that have legs and can walk, tend to walk to the beach, which is close to my office.

Unknown Variable(s):
1) Amount of time spent walking.
2) Frequency of walks.
3) Today's temperature.
4) Did the walker put on deodorant?

My concern is that now that we are in the Summer months, a lot of people have begun walking to the beach for a quick “work break.”  Which I am perfectly fine with because I have done it myself once or twice.  But I am concerned that the “Stank Factor” is going to increase inside the office to unheard of levels.  See Chart 1.

Based on the raw data I have been mining through, I’m forecasting a serious problem here.  The office “Stank Factor” is dramatically increasing and needs to be addressed immediately.  Currently I have two solutions with the potential for more; assuming I get the data I asked for from the Data Warehouse Group.

Solution #1: Place a moratorium on all lunch time walks.  It doesn’t seem fair, but it’ll solve our problem cold turkey.

Solution #2: Install showers in the building.  This will appease the employees and will help to reduce the toxicity of the air quality.

Please respond at your earliest convenience to discuss this matter further.



Sara Warren said...

Comment #1 - Remind me not to read blogs regarding "stank Factor" while eating my lunch.

Comment #2 - [BEEP] should be so grateful that you take the time to do the appropriate metrics and charts for this extracurricular issue. I know I'm grateful for the chart especially!

Anonymous said...

It has been more than two weeks since this post and I think the readers of your Diary are due an update on the 'stank factor' and the success of your proposed solutions or alternatives.