How Not to Ask For Free Food

Dear Diary,

It all started when I was in junior high.  I arrived to the lunch room later than normal and my friends were just about finished eating their meal.  I did not want to miss out on a game of basketball so I threw away my whole lunch and ran outside with them.

My Mom was a teacher in the same school and so all the teachers knew me because of my Mom.  Well, one of the teachers (to this day I still don't know who) saw me throw away my lunch without eating it and he/she told my Mom.  Tattle Tell!

From that day on my Mom went on strike and refused to make my lunches going forward.  And the rest is history.  I am now a lazy person that hates to make lunches.  I know, Diary, I've got some deep-seeded issues.

I know that I am lazy with lunch and so to help me not eat out so much I buy lunch stuff in bulk from Costco and store it at my desk at work.  "Cliff" has recently discovered that I leave a giant can of oatmeal at my desk.  Since then he has decided to invite himself over to help himself to a free breakfast.  At first I did not mind sharing because he ran out and he had never asked before.  But now he brings his giant, freakin' bowl over to me ever morning and asks for food.

This morning I was enjoying a tasty treat from Starbucks.  It's the first time I've had an apple fritter from Starbucks in who knows how long.  "Cliff" saw my apple fritter and thought it would be a good idea to make fun of my food choice.

Uh, listen "Cliff."  Here's how not to ask for free food:

1) Don't come over with your gigantic, 'roid-rage bowl looking for free food.
2) Don't tease me for eating an apple fritter when looking for free food.
3) Don't tell me what chemicals and/or ingredients are in my apple fritter if you're looking for free food.
4) Don't tell me what heart disease I'm going to get when you're looking for free food.

Because, if you do...

I might be inclined to tell you that you need to go see a proctologist to get my foot out of your a$$.
.