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Monday, January 12, 2009

Man With Many Hats

Dear Diary,

We got a guy in the office that is going for the title "Man With Many Hats."  Most people know this type of person.  He's the kind of guy that has knowledge about every possible subject.  I could bring up a story about changing diapers and this guy, who has no kids, would have something to contribute to the story.

Below are some of the "hats" that he has gone for and successfully collected:

1) "Muscle Head."  Legitimately he's got this title because he's yoked out of his brains.  But what's funnier is if you bring up any topic about health he'll have some protein drink or diet recommendation for it.

2) "Mr. Slow."  Not only does he drive like a grandma going to the market on Sunday morning, but it takes him forever to do work.  He needs a three-day lead in order to be only two days late.

3) "Token Terrorist."  His family is from Afghanistan so we give him crap about that.  He's a good sport about it because he knows that he's not exactly "Mr. Racially Sensitive" himself.

4) "Whore."  He will whore himself out to almost anything if he thinks he'll get paid enough.  One time we challenged him to eat 20 atomic-flavored buffalo wings from WingStop.  You say 20 buffalo wings, big deal.  Well, you should also know that these buffalo wings are so hot that the store will only sell you three of them at a time.  To everyone's surprise he ate them, but he could not feel his lips for a long time afterwards.

5) "Cliff."  The most appropriate hat for this guy, though, is the postal hat of Cliff from the sitcom Cheers.  "Cliff," just like the character on Cheers, is the office know-it-all.  You could cite any fact, statistic or question and "Cliff" would chime in with something to add/remove/change.

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