Not a Creature was Stirring

Dear Diary,

I know I said I was going to take the rest of the year off, but I thought this was too funny not to share.

(Click to enlarge)

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Being Politically Correct

Dear Diary,

Well, this is it for me.  My last entry for the year 2007.  I'm going to take off the rest of the year to let my creative juices refill.  However, I will probably send you some Twitter updates here and there so you don't feel completely left out.

Before I go though, I want to share one last thought with you: how to be PC during Christmas.  I've seen a lot of people exchanging gifts, sending cards, and wishing each other a Merry Christmas...or is it, Happy Holidays?  Oh, wait, sorry you're a Season's Greetings person.  It's funny listening to everyone trying to guess what the other person would say during Christmas.

Here's a thought.  Instead of being overly sensitive to the other person, why don't you say what you believe and then let that person be sensitive to you, by not correcting you.  And then, vice versa, you return the favor when they say something else.  For example, if you say Merry Christmas then say it and let the other person respond back Happy Holidays, if they want to.

So with that, I'm going to continue saying Merry Christmas...but with a twist.  It should be fun (for me) to watch other people's reactions.  Have a good vacation, Diary.

Oh, and Happy Baby-Jesus'-Birthday!
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Christmas Lull

Dear Diary,

The attendance at [...BEEP...] is steadily decreasing as Christmas approaches.  The day after Christmas (which I don't have off) I'll be able to close my office door and dance in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business without fear of someone bursting in.
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My Claim to Fame Dumb

Dear Diary,

Bankrupt [...BEEP...] was listed as part of Fortune magazine's "101 Dumbest Moments in Business" for 2007.  We took the #31 slot.  I'm going to use this as the launching platform for a motivational speaking circuit I've been developing.  My title is long, but it might become catchy.

"Subprime Mortgages are Like War, What are They Good for?  Absolutely Nothing."

P.S.  I also found this yesterday.  So sad.
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Dumb and Dumber Moment

Dear Diary,

Did you notice my Twitter update from Friday afternoon?  Oh boy, was I in distress!  I was totally about to pull the "Dumb and Dumber" pee in a cup maneuver (it's near minute 25 of the movie).

I was reaching for my coffee mug in the back seat when I noticed a SUV drive by and the driver could look down into my car.  That's when I realized I was insane for thinking I could get away with this on the 91 freeway during rush hour.

I did make it home, but I could not sit down for the last few miles of the trip because sitting down put too much pressure on Mr. Bladder.  I found that if I hovered above my seat it helped alleviate some of my discomfort.

When I did make it home all three kids came running to give me a hug, but I pushed them away from me, literally.  Like bowling pins, the kids fell down and I yelled, "Sorry," as I ran down the hallway.  Nicholas (22 months) cried so I had to give him some extra loves, but Jonathan and Kayley found it funny that Dad-ttrix had to pee so bad.
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Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Here I am striking a super, sexy pose at Legoland.  I saw Mrs. Mattrix about to take a picture so I quickly gave the camera 10-cc's of Mattrix.  The camera loves me!

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Are They Christmas Shopping?

Dear Diary,

I've noticed that for the last few weeks there is a SUV in the parking structure with a bunch of guys forming a line nearby.  I've been trying to figure out what they are doing there, but with no luck.

All I can think of is the lady that drives the SUV is selling jewelry (e.g., Cookie Lee) or something else, and the guys in line are Christmas shopping for their Moms or girlfriends.

I tried to take a picture when I drove by one day, but I only managed to get a shot of the license plate.  What's your theory Diary?

(Click to enlarge)

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Ate Like a King

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I told you I was eating lunch at Maggiano's restaurant in Costa Mesa for our department's Christmas party.  Like I told you I would, I showed my co-workers that I like food.  Here's what I ate.

Appetizers

• Mozzarella Marinara
• Calamari Fritte

Salad

• Caesar

Pasta

• Fettucine Alfredo, Broccoli

Meat & Seafood

• Chicken Saltimbocca
• Chicken Piccata

Baked Specialties

• Four Cheese Ravioli

Dessert

• Cup of cappuccino
• Tiramisu
• Creme Brulee

Sono stato farcito come un grasso di maiale.
(Translated: I was stuffed like a fat pig.)
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Department Lunch

Dear Diary,

Today we are having a "Christmas party."  I put party in quotes because it is more like lunch out together as a small department.  We have reservations for eight at Maggiano's in Costa Mesa.

I'm trying to think of something fun to do while we are there.  This will be my first social outing with my department since I began working for [...BEEP...].  Do you have any ideas?  My only idea, for now, is to demonstrate how much food I can eat.  That was always a fun one at bankrupt [...BEEP...]; we would try to out do each other by ordering enormous steaks.
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Intra Entry: What I Like About [...BEEP...]

Dear Diary,

Here's what I like about working at [...BEEP...] versus bankrupt [...BEEP...].  Besides, of course, the bankrupt part.

ICE.

[...BEEP's...] freezer makes ice for us that tastes good.
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Episode V: Secretary Strikes Back

Dear Diary,

Do you remember this entry?  My boss' secretary wanted us all to chip in and spend $10 on a flower arrangement for National Boss Day.

She strikes again, but it is for a Christmas gift this time.  Below is her e-mail:

Its that time
Our Christmas Luncheon is around the corner and each year we get together and contribute on a gift for [Boss] – I got some ideas from Sarah ([Boss's] daughter) for a couple of presents that [Boss] would like (ice cream maker and a nice basket for logs for the fireplace). [Co-worker] and I can go out on Monday and pick it up. Is that ok [Co-worker]? Is $25 from everyone ok? Thank you!

She is still using the "here-is-what-we're-doing-but-I'll-ask-if-its-okay" sentences.  Originally, I was not going to contribute to this gift, but the fragment sentence without punctuation and a smiley face changed my mind.
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Friday Fun

Dear Diary,

Attention Batman fans.  Are you as excited as I am?
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Intra Entry: Burrito Update

Dear Diary,

Re: A Burrito is On the Line.

I'm totally bumming today.  I lost the bet.

[...BEEP...], almost all day, was down between seven and eight percent.  Then, in the afternoon, the stock began to rally as did my hopes.

The stock ended closing down 2.19%.  I lost by 19 basis points and now I have to pony up a burrito.  We were so close Diary.
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FW: Amazing Story

Dear Diary,

This is an amazing elephant story.  Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me, but this one is truly interesting.

In 1986, Mike Walsh was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.  He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Tommy were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.  The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing several times, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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A Burrito is on the Line

Dear Diary,

A certain billionaire on November 19th bought 6.8% of [...BEEP'S...] stock.  Yesterday I read that he sold 1.9% of that stock bringing his holdings down to 4.9%, which, coincidently (or not), is just below the SEC's 5% disclosure requirement (highlighted in yellow).

When I first read about the 6.8% purchase, immediately I thought take-over.  But now with the divesture of about 1.9% of the stock I can't figure out what he's doing.  Originally he was going to buy Fremont General, but backed out recently.

"CHESTer" and I, for about an hour tried to figure out what he's doing.  I'm skeptical and think he's barely below the 5% filing requirement (at 4.9%) on purpose.  So I bet "CHESTer" a Del Taco burrito that [...BEEP's...] stock would be up 2%+ today.  He thought the opposite.  He thought the stock would be down 2%+.

At 8:19 AM this morning I'm losing.  [...BEEP...] is down 7.69%.  I'm glad I only bet a burrito.  I need your support Diary, be my cheerleader and root for the stock to rally today.
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You Got Served

Dear Diary,

"You're just mad... 'cause tonight you suckas got served!"

Somebody got pwned[?] by the Wall Street Journal yesterday.  Recognize any of the names listed?
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I'm an Electricianalyst

Dear Diary,

Did you know that in addition to being a world-famous analyst.  Mattrix is also a certified electrician?  World-famous analyst, yes.  Electrician, not really, but, apparently, "CCL" thinks that I am.  "CCL" does not like how cold it gets in our office suite so I told her to buy a small heater like "Firestarter."

That was Thursday.  On Friday she came back to me and said (still whispering, mind you), "I bought a heater.  Will you help me plug it in?"  That seemed odd to me, but then I thought maybe she has some joint problem preventing her ability to bend down.  I told her okay, but she stopped me and said, "No, I can plug it in, I just don't know where."

Okay, now that is really odd to me.  I showed her the surge protector she had and also a spare outlet.  I told her to pick one and to plug it in.  Still hesitating, she asked me to look with her.  Now "CCL" is on all fours and I'm squatting next to her looking at a socket.  I pointed and said, "plug it in here."  Her response, "Oh perfect.  I'm not an electrician and I'd hate to break something."

I never thought that suggesting to someone they get a heater would be so much work for me.  Next time, if she asks for help, I'll show some "plumber's crack" in hopes it'll make her think twice about asking me for electrical assistance.
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