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Friday, September 28, 2007

Where's Waldo?

Dear Diary,

Today is a bitter-sweet Friday.  Sweet: because it's Friday and Mrs. Mattrix and I are leaving the kids at home so we can go on a weekend getaway.  Bitter: because today is someone's last day at bankrupt [...BEEP...].  You don't know him very well Diary, his name is Waldo.  I would like to dedicate today's entry to Waldo by attempting to roast him.  It looks like fun on TV, so I thought I would give it a try here.

Waldo's Unauthorized Biography:
Matt "Waldo" Walder originated from the slums of Albuquerque, NM, where, at the age of 13, he used to wonder the streets in fear of his life.  Clutching his 1-string bass guitar -- he was too poor to have 4-strings -- Waldo could be seen sprinting through the streets trying to run away from hooligans that would like to "pluck" his guitar string.

At the ripe age of 18, Waldo said good bye to Albuquerque and headed West to sunny California, where he would wonder the streets of L.A. performing tricks for food.  Magic tricks, that is.  At the legal age of 21, Waldo, a 4-time recovering alcoholic, found himself half dead in a gutter and decided to clean up his life.

Moving in with a college friend, Waldo, at the age of 24, found himself working for an obscure subprime mortgage company called [...BEEP...].  Here Waldo would, once again, perform tricks for food.  The trick this time was to try to understand what "Special K" was saying to him.  "Special K" liked to chat with the "new guy."  When I was a "new guy" I had the same experience.

I digress.  Back to our story.

Today, at the age of 27, Waldo has lost most of his hair and lives in a luxury trailer park where he can now claim fame. Three strings richer, Waldo now has a 4-string bass guitar and is a member of the rock and roll cover band, "Mommy's Little Monsters."  Waldo will be leaving California and flying to Alaska.  Where he will be preaching the music of Social Distortion to all the snow-blown Eskimos that have never heard the sultry sounds of Social D.

I will always remember ye, Waldo.  Every time I read the "Where's Waldo?" book with my kids, I'll have a smile on my face, because in my heart, I know that I'll really be asking: Where's Waldo?

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