Entry #6 (2/27/2004)

Dear Diary,

Hello again. It is good to see you. Have you lost some pages since I last saw you? I thought so. You totally look great. Have you been on that low-carb diet? I can tell. You look at least 20 pages lighter. I'm on the low-carb diet too. Yeap, that's right. I only eat Snicker's bars wrapped in lettuce. I think I've figured it out. Lettuce is the key to the low-carb diets. Every fast-food chain, restaurant, or whatever advertises "low-carb" meals and it looks like all you have to do is take a big, honkin' piece of lettuce and wrap it around something. I haven't lost any weight on my diet yet, but I have a plan. I am going to create a thirty-day version of the low-carb diet. Lettuce is the key right? Well, I'm going to invent the world's first pair of low-carb underwear. I'm going to wear nothing but lettuce underneath my clothes. I figure if I can wrap lettuce around my food and call it a day then I might as well take it to the next step. I usually eat three meals a day. That only gives me three times a day that I can have a "low-carb" lifestyle. So I figure that if I wear the lettuce all day it could only help me lose weight that much faster. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see how it works out. Hey, diary, don't tell anyone else about this idea of mine. I don't want any of my co-workers knowing about this. They might make fun of me. Okay? Just between us? Swearsies? You're so cool diary. I can always count on you.

So what else is new? Let me see...

I think I need to readdress an issue that I brought up last time. Last time I stated that if a person has access to his or her boss' e-mail in Outlook then they are not necessarily a true "analyst." Well, I would like to offer a second litmus test that helps to answer the question is so and so a secretary or analyst? Simply answer this question:

Do you have access to your boss' calendar in Outlook? Yes or no. If yes, then you are definitely a secretary. If you said "no", then you are lying and you are still a secretary and not an analyst. I have developed a case study to help one better understand these theories that I have proposed. As always, all characters are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental.

Joe Schmoe walks up to Schmeidi Secretary and says "do you know where Schmal Schmayed might be?" Schmeidi responds by saying "no I don't, but I'm working on a special project for him and Schmathryn isn't here either to find out where he is." The conversation continues and then Schmeidi says "oh wait! I see on his calendar that he has a 10:00 appointment." End of case study.

So what can we learn from this scenario? As you might have observed Schmeidi has access to Schmal's calendar. That is an interesting point because my second litmus test question specifically addresses that very issue. Does Schmeidi have access to Schmal's calendar? Answer: YES! Results: You are in the secretary classification.

Please know diary that we at the "Center for Secretarial Denial Disorder" are only looking out for the best interests of those with this rare and heart-breaking disorder. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a secretary. We only want to help people acknowledge that they are a secretary and should be proud of it.

DIARY INTERRUPTION!

I can't stand it anymore. I need to vent! Schmeidi is talking to her husband (a.k.a. "Schmeidi's Punching Bag", or "The Bag") about her daughter not being able to learn at school. Something is going on about how her daughter can learn if Schmeidi teaches her. "The Bag" said something and then Schmeidi said "well, you haven't seen me teach people how to ski." She can do it she says. So what is she going to do? Go climb a mountain and "shush" down the slopes with her daughter and a history book? Skiing and learning school subjects are a lot different. That's it. I'm leaving. I need to go eat lunch.

See ya diary.